If happy ever after did exist.

I met cousins and aunts and uncles and second cousins I forgot I even had over my cousin's wedding. I wasn't that involved in my sister's wedding, unfortunately, so this was my first time being a part of the "pengantin's rombongan". It's definitely an experience.

It has made me better understand my hatred for weddings. Really being a part of a wedding made the whole experience more bearable, to be honest. I think part of why I've always hated weddings is because whenever I go to a wedding, I'm eating a stranger's food, shaking a stranger's hand and basically trying to muster a shred of happiness for a stranger's happy day.

It's different when it's family, you know. You can't help but get caught up in the rush and hype and just voluntarily turn into this giggly blur of color coordinated baju kurungs and sweat and nasi minyak. Anyway, I'm slowly diving back into this family. I think it's important, now more than ever considering the circumstances.

So let's see, what else have I done. I left my phone number for a cute waiter. Had a nice conversation with a guy in the bookstore when he saw me flip through the pages of a book and sniffing it. Went to an Indian wedding, my first one. Paid a cab driver and said "Keep the change." which I've always wanted to do. Gotten back in touch with old high school friends. Drove around KL (never again). Finished Room by Emma Donoghue in 2 days. I'm also sick right now.

So as you can see, life's been quite dull. I quite like it this way though. I would like to get more excitement in, but not right now. I need a nice boring holiday. A rest.



.......Bah who am I kidding I hate this. All this excess energy and potential and they're wasted on 16 year old waiters and cab drivers. I feel like smoke that's been tricked into a bottle.

Whenever I'm by myself, during quite time, I find myself still thinking about Spain. Reliving the whole goddamn experience. Excited about the next imaginary trip, already planning it through in my head. Wondering how in God's green earth am I supposed to obediently give this up in 2 more years.

I look at my sisters and I see how their lives are right now and wonder whether when they were 21 did they think this was how it's going to turn out. It would be a disgrace to make the same mistakes twice. I have 3 lives' experiences to learn from.

That's how I feel like right now. I feel like I'm at the back of a classroom, watching people live and continue about their everyday affairs and making mistakes and they're looking back at me with these meaningful eyes, like I should do this, I shouldn't do that. I'm watching people do their shit and then the time will come when I will have to decide and get out of the classroom and do my own shit and whatever I turn out to be, it'll reflect back on those other people.

I think the most important question I could ask any grown up right now is "Are you happy, now?"

Sometimes, you go off somewhere for a year and you come back with this notion that you would pick up right back where you left off and it turns out that the 'pause' button doesn't work on life. It moved on and you're left standing there grappling with new revelations and trying to awkwardly fit in into this new situation. And you realize you're not the same person you thought you still are a year ago. And shit gets even more complicated.

Nobody and nothing waits for you. And you should get that through your head now.




Wow, look at how much I've deviated from the main point. I ramble quite beautifully whenever I'm sleepy. Good night for now, I guess.