I gave you all.

"Rip the earth in two with your mind,
seal the urge which ensues with brass wires."

I just went through a 3 day non stop all day studying binge and I'm incredibly sleepy so bear with me if I sound a wee retarded.

I am analytical of even the littlest of things. It's tiring, it's fun, and it's a burden. I make it sound like it's a super power and some would scorn and say 'The fuck?' but it is a super power, really. Especially when it's used with the right amount of cynicism and attentiveness. And believe you me when I say I am those things. I'm not proud with a lot of things that I am but this, this I do love about myself. And with my super power I see things. I use logic and I know things. Things you don't really want me to know.

Wait I just lost track of what I wanted to say.

Okay. So recently I've been filled with even more spite for the human nature. This time it's of their blatant love of the superficial. Especially superficial beauty. I have nothing against wanting to look pretty, but that isn't the only thing you should spend your time and money and energy on. Also fucktards need to remember that beauty is subjective. Your beautiful shit could just be shit to me and I mean no offence by that.

Never ever in your life should you judge a book by its cover, my Mom said, once upon a time, in those early impressionable years. What she should've said was, don't judge a book by its covers, but it doesn't mean that book can go ahead and cover itself in bat shit.

I'm not saying I'm a saint, that I've never judged by first look because my pretty little mouth works incredibly faster than my mind and I say things I don't think about most of the time.

I used to believe that first impressions matter, that they make the basic skeleton of your view on things, but right now I say, screw that; first impressions are mere fallacies.

You see a book, and you open it and it's a book most of the time and then half way through, boom, it's a jelly bean.

In truth, I've had this feeling for quite some time now, that I shouldn't have a single view of a person no matter how tempting it is. I should always consider circumstances, and emotions, and personal preferences. An informed consent, if you will. Because you know, nobody likes to be shoved into the wrong hole.

Anyway, (through all of this I can't help but feel that despite all of my 'protocols', I am not given the same courtesy from others. People judge me front left to right, or they never bother to dig deeper before coming to a conclusion.)

What the hell was my point again.

I always feel a little disoriented whenever I'm listening to Mumford & Sons.

A few days ago I psychoanalysed a couple of my friends. They didn't like it. Who likes being told why they are the way they are anyway. Anyway, I will risk sounding like a bag of douche but what I said about them were spot on.

I took a particular, flawed and prominent little habit of theirs and with stories from their childhood, formed my own hypothesis about why they're doing it. I didn't do it on purpose though, I swear. It just happened.

And it felt amazing. It was like I solved a nice little puzzle I hadn't meant to solve at all. Anyway that's what humans are in a way aren't they, puzzles?

I'm still debating whether I should write them down, the things I said to my friends. It feels like a breach of privacy. Well anyway they're just the usual neglect childhood issues that's manifested itself now by a compulsive need to seek any form of approval from an older, authoritative figure. The second friend had a sudden uncontrollable traumatic loss during childhood that makes controlling every little petty detail now, crucial.

Nothing impressive really, but the fact that I sort of connected the dots made it, oh look at that I wrote them down anyway.

Then I realized it's easy to point out other people's flaws. So what I did was, I took a look at myself. And I am a people pleaser. Guilt is my kryptonite. As a kid I've always felt like I've come short of my parents expectations, always, and I was ashamed. I was never smart enough, I was never tall enough, I was never pretty enough, I was never cool enough. So now I spend my time trying to be something for everyone that mattered to me. That extra money you need, I would lend it. That thing you forgot to do, I could do it for you. That time you hurt my feelings, I let it go.

Also the reason why I have a soft spot for sidekicks, because I was never the main attraction. The lead guitarists are always my favourite, not the lead singers.

Not forgetting my Daddy issues. It used to be neglect issue from both parents, but since a few years ago my mother and I have addressed that issue and now we're cool. I have my share of weird lucrative destructive behaviour from the lack of affection and attention from my Dad but somehow not weird or lucrative or destructive enough that I would piss off my Mom.

This is way too personal.

But I will say what I have to say and it shall be acknowledged.

I feel like I've split my head into several pieces.

I sound completely insane right now, even to myself. Because I'm talking to myself. Great.