Bacon.

I missed a lot of classes last week.
Because I can.

Took up reading instead (because reading rules.) Finished J.K Rowling's The Casual Vacancy and now in the middle of Truman Capote's In Cold Blood. I have to say, Rowling's new adult book managed to stand by itself and not be overshadowed by the Harry Potter series. By the end of it I found myself shaking my fist at her picture on the back flap cover, demanding to know how is she so great with words. She should write everything everywhere and pictures of her should be put up with her looking magnificently demure with eyes that looks into your illiterate soul and knows that she is better than you because she is.

Hey holy monkey cakes, my bacon maple cupcakes were a success. They were meaty and gluttonous with dollops of sweetness to balance it off. I honestly wished I have a potion that I can drink that makes me grow 10 arms and 2 heads temporarily so I can make whole batches of them and give them out to people.

Most of people's reaction when I say I'm putting bacon in cupcakes was "Ew. WHAT, why?" BECAUSE INNOVATION BITCH. I ain't spending my life making chocolate cupcakes. I'm trying to find new combination of flavours now like pineapple and....coconut. Hm.

The parents are in Eire now, with the tiny new baby and the older baby. I Facetimed with them. My dad couldn't believe how far technology's has gotten and kept asking me "How are you doing this?!" like we're back in the 1500s and he suspects me of witchcraft. My mom's face was just like this O.O for a good minute.

Also, the crazy lady and I have booked the flights for our trip to Italy, finally. We're taking our favourite 'let's wing it' approach and let the mighty chips fall as they may. I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait I can't mfdgffftghhtttttt


(If my life were a movie, right now Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa would come on while I do a silly heartfelt dance montage then it all drifts off and fades to black)

And when the boatman comes to ferry me away to where we all belong.

I had the worst dream last night.
Two brothers, my best friends died and they were on their way to the other side I suppose, only the place was like an airport and you had to wait in line and go through a wall. There were announcements and shops and coffee shops just like a regular airport. We sat on the counter at the cafe, and one of them said "I love you, my friend."

And then I was in the line, in between them, holding their hands and not wanting to let go. I kept saying "I'm not going to be able to see you guys again" over and over again. I was crying and crying and just weeping. It was horrible.

It was horrible.
I'm sort of traumatized now.

Made my day, this.

I just.
What.
OMFG.


Whoever came up with this, you're awesome sauce.

To the Prancing Pony!

Watching Lord of the Rings.
2 hours in. Didn't realize Skype was still on with friend.

Friend: You should hear the ungodly noises you were making.
Friend: You sound like a dying seal.
Friend: I recorded them.

That recording shall be my heirloom I pass down to my children.

Do you want to, like you know I do.

I hate them moments when you and your friends watch this movie and it has an emotional scene and afterwards they're all discussing it and "Oh my God it was so sad I cried!" and you're like this :

and everyone's looking at you and you start to freak out and try to remember when Mufasa died and Simba was crying so you can appear human and then all that comes out of your mouth is "LONG LIVE THE KING!"

The same thing goes when you cry about something and no one else thinks it's sad and you just sit there and cry by yourself alone lamenting how the world is so cold and cruel and how you're just a freak that cries about boiling sweet potatoes.

I don't know why the quality of this video makes it look like it's filmed with a toothbrush. This song is my ringtone now and I'm trying to get people to call me all the time and not pick up.


If you haven't watched The Hobbit, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. I watched it twice in 3 days and I know people judge me for that. I'm okay with that.

My Sunway friend just moved to Wales a few months ago and he's a vegetarian now. He tried to rope me in too. I said "I was a vegetarian for a day once when I was 15. Then my inner carnivorous demon ate my vegetarian self and that was it."

He's a douche but he said I can stay over should I come visit so I'll allow his hipster green leaf ass to exist in my life and Skype contacts.

Go watch The Hobbit.

Freaking out. Join me why don't you.

This  > everything else (right now)

Found out about them through Steven Yeun. Who is a bad ass mother in TWD by the way. Chuck Norrised a zombie while being tied to a chair. That is too damn cool.

So this happens every time I start studying.

Me: Time to study. Really.

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: Ooooo cat stuck in a box video.

I may be a dead man tomorrow, but.

Yeah, I'm a dead man.

Also, Skyped with sister the other night. She said "Hey you've got 2 more years to go until you start working!"
Actually, less than 2 years. I mean no I don't. You can't make me.

Weekend musing.

I'm up to season 2 of "The Walking Dead" now. Started watching because of my sister and the zombies. Continued watching because I was bored. Then for a while there I watched it just so I can frustratedly point out what they're doing wrong. Then I got bored again. Now I'm watching it so I can see why everyone is so in love with Daryl.

Also, I realised that Rick Grimes is this guy, in Love Actually;

Haha, okay.

The worst things in life come free to us.

Been baking cupcakes like crazy today. Because I don't have anything better to do.
That's not true. I have a mountain of laundry to do and a butt load of reading to get done.
My mom had foreseen this when I was 12; my inability to prioritize.

I have this little blue book that I write down all the cupcakes I've done and when people eat them, I write down what they say and all the comments and how I can make them better in the future. Then I jot down bits and pieces of personal advices like "Less sugar." or "THIS TASTES LIKE BOSS good job" If I put this much effort in medicine I'd be Doogie Howser.

Also, this is weird but I don't really eat any of the cupcakes that I've baked. I would taste them, take a bite or two, but I don't enjoy them. My gustatory buds have been trained since childhood to hate sweet things. I've never been able to finish any cake, cupcake, sweet crap things. Anyway, that's something retarded about me you know now.

Makes me wonder why I'm baking all this crap. I don't even want to sell them.

Though sometimes I do want to take a little neat, pretty  one and smush it on the floor. I don't know why.

Saw Ed Sheeran in a suit today. I mean, in the internet. Obviously.
He looks fine. Not the "How are you today? I'm fine thank you" fine. The "Damnnnnnn that ass" fine. But in this case it's not just his ass. It's all of him. Then again, any man would look good in a suit.

ALSO HE'S 21 YEARS OLD. He's my age. What the holy hell. I am impressed and I hate his successful face a little.

Please don't confront me with my failures. I had not forgotten them.

In the grand scheme of things, you can't help but wonder where is your place.


This song is exactly how I am right now.
Everything is so blah. Blah doesn't even cover it.


Blah.



Except for Italy this winter. Italy is not blah. Italy will be fantastic. I will wiggle myself out for a day or two and walk around by myself, alone, I will. It'll be fantastic.

All the day and night time, hear me sigh.

I've never been this lovestruck before.
I've never wanted someone that I can't have this badly. Ever in my life.
He is so precious. I've never described a grown ass man, 'precious' before.

No wonder everyone wants to fall in love. This is amazing.

I've honestly never felt this way before. I'd usually feel horrible if I can't have someone I like, but not this time. Just seeing him happy, even if it's with someone else, would fill me with such tremendous joy. Can you believe this? Well, I would call this bullshit too if it hadn't happen to me.


Oh, I want to remember this moment for the rest of my life. This feels beautiful.

That's what happens when you're all alone and you're alright letting nice things go.

Just finished "Nemesis" by Philip Roth. It's not usually the kind of book I'd go for, in fact I only read this one because a good friend recommended it, but after reading it and gotten some time to digest it, I have to say it's not as...generic as I thought it'd be. It's a story about a polio outbreak in Newark and how the disease affects this one guy, Bucky, who wears thick glasses and throws javelins and works as the playground director in the summer.

There's a part that goes, kind of like this. "How can God put one person in Nazi occupied Europe with a gun in his hands and the other in the Indian Hill summer camp in front of a plate of mac and cheese? How can He put one child in polio ridden Newark and another in the sanctuary of Poconos?"

I memorized  it because I found it to be really interesting.

I need to have a good long discussion with my friend about this book.

I should start a book club.

In keeping with the glorious marathon of book reading and a session of intense brooding afterwards, I'm now reading Murakami's A Wild Sheep Chase. I also just realized I have a lot of Murakami books, which partly explains why most of the time my imagination is like it's on acid. The rest is explained by those ridiculously inappropriate yet madly hilarious cartoons they show on Cartoon Network.

____________

Previously I said something about how you change and things change when you go away to study for a period of time. I have to add now that one of the great things about coming back as an evolved person is you see things differently and it's like you're communicating with the past you and you're (both of you) connecting the dots and making sense of things, past and present.

You realize why your father cherishes you, the youngest of his daughters, the most. You realize your sister isn't as you've idolized all this while. You realize that the people you love the most in the world is plagued by loneliness, or fear of being alone. You realize time is nobody's friend.

I don't care if I make sense or not to others, I make sense to me and that's enough right now.
Also my head's about to explode from this.

But before that, this Sunday I'm off to Redang with my sister and her boyfriend to relax and swim and meet cool people and tan my already tanned skin and swim and swim and swim and sleep on the beach and watch the stars at night and feel small and insignificant. This package we got is cheap as fuck too. I want to travel so badly, so this is just what I needed.

I think I'll bring along my uke.

This, this is gold. The way their voices go together is killing me.

Real men play banjo.

It's easier to tell people what they want to hear, rather than what you really actually wanted to say.
Also, you get money that way.

Lesson learned.

What I wouldn't give to be part of that crowd.

If happy ever after did exist.

I met cousins and aunts and uncles and second cousins I forgot I even had over my cousin's wedding. I wasn't that involved in my sister's wedding, unfortunately, so this was my first time being a part of the "pengantin's rombongan". It's definitely an experience.

It has made me better understand my hatred for weddings. Really being a part of a wedding made the whole experience more bearable, to be honest. I think part of why I've always hated weddings is because whenever I go to a wedding, I'm eating a stranger's food, shaking a stranger's hand and basically trying to muster a shred of happiness for a stranger's happy day.

It's different when it's family, you know. You can't help but get caught up in the rush and hype and just voluntarily turn into this giggly blur of color coordinated baju kurungs and sweat and nasi minyak. Anyway, I'm slowly diving back into this family. I think it's important, now more than ever considering the circumstances.

So let's see, what else have I done. I left my phone number for a cute waiter. Had a nice conversation with a guy in the bookstore when he saw me flip through the pages of a book and sniffing it. Went to an Indian wedding, my first one. Paid a cab driver and said "Keep the change." which I've always wanted to do. Gotten back in touch with old high school friends. Drove around KL (never again). Finished Room by Emma Donoghue in 2 days. I'm also sick right now.

So as you can see, life's been quite dull. I quite like it this way though. I would like to get more excitement in, but not right now. I need a nice boring holiday. A rest.



.......Bah who am I kidding I hate this. All this excess energy and potential and they're wasted on 16 year old waiters and cab drivers. I feel like smoke that's been tricked into a bottle.

Whenever I'm by myself, during quite time, I find myself still thinking about Spain. Reliving the whole goddamn experience. Excited about the next imaginary trip, already planning it through in my head. Wondering how in God's green earth am I supposed to obediently give this up in 2 more years.

I look at my sisters and I see how their lives are right now and wonder whether when they were 21 did they think this was how it's going to turn out. It would be a disgrace to make the same mistakes twice. I have 3 lives' experiences to learn from.

That's how I feel like right now. I feel like I'm at the back of a classroom, watching people live and continue about their everyday affairs and making mistakes and they're looking back at me with these meaningful eyes, like I should do this, I shouldn't do that. I'm watching people do their shit and then the time will come when I will have to decide and get out of the classroom and do my own shit and whatever I turn out to be, it'll reflect back on those other people.

I think the most important question I could ask any grown up right now is "Are you happy, now?"

Sometimes, you go off somewhere for a year and you come back with this notion that you would pick up right back where you left off and it turns out that the 'pause' button doesn't work on life. It moved on and you're left standing there grappling with new revelations and trying to awkwardly fit in into this new situation. And you realize you're not the same person you thought you still are a year ago. And shit gets even more complicated.

Nobody and nothing waits for you. And you should get that through your head now.




Wow, look at how much I've deviated from the main point. I ramble quite beautifully whenever I'm sleepy. Good night for now, I guess.

I only want the truth, so tonight we drink to youth.

You will never stop asking 'Why?' And you never know the extent of your tolerance and patience until it's tested. It's not in my place to voice out any dissatisfaction, at least not yet, so I just sit there and continue being traumatized, thinking this mental wound will definitely leave a quirky personal characteristic in the future.

I hate angry yelling. I think it cheapens your anger. It doesn't really do anything for you except make you look like a lunatic. Yelling your argument like every decibel higher makes your argument more true. But I understand why people yell when they're angry. Your emotions get the best of you and you forget everything and you're screaming out these offensive things to hurt the other person. I understand that. I think if they can feel the amount of pain they're causing the other person, I think they would not yell.

I don't get angry much, honestly. I just get sad, really sad. Sad when I see in someone's face when they're yelling that his sole purpose right then and there is to break the spirit of the other person.

So am I supposed to take sides? Am I to quietly suffer through it? Or should I say something? Should I cry along with the others? Or if every one else is already crying, should I not?

I'm done trying to squeeze out even a drop of affection from him. I don't even know what to do with him any more. No one should ever have to feel hopeless all by themselves. Feeling hopeless is a tragedy.

To think my birthday is in two days. And to think I actually had it in my head to have a small celebration dinner. There's no way in Balrog's ass I'm going to celebrate my 21st year of life around all this hate.


Some nights you can't help but lament a little.

Dancing in the moonlight.

You know those kind of people who knocks furiously at your door when it's locked, screaming obscenities and things like "Why is this door locked?! Open it now! Why do you lock your door anyway?! It's in the middle of the day idiot!"

Motherfucker I was taking a piss that's why the door's locked. What the hell is wrong with you.

I lock my doors. I prefer to do so. It makes me feel safe. It does not mean I have forbidden anyone to enter my room. If you knock politely, I will let you in. If you start raging hell and stomp on my door with a 10 feet giant carrot screaming threats, it not only reflects on your below average IQ and ill mannerism, it will also result in me not opening the door and proceed to put you in the list of names of people I will disintegrate with my mind activated heat laser, once technology catches up.

Moving on.

We're going to spend Raya in KL this year, for some unknown suspicious reason. It could just be because my Mom doesn't want to host any open house this year, but knowing this family, the reason should run deeper than that. But that's just me, highly suspicious and never happy until something bad I have predicted happens.

I couldn't sleep too well since I got back, so I've been reading in bed. Finished The Communist Manifesto, and now I'm halfway through To Kill A Mockingbird. Really, honestly, this could be the only forgiving aspect of this place, my bookshelf and my books and the beautiful, peaceful free time I have and being able to read all of them again.

When you get back from somewhere, be it a holiday or a university abroad, you never come back the same person so it takes a while for you to get your bearings, and my books help me remember why I love being at home.

Speaking of finding your bearings, a boy said to me, he turned on the lights and looked at me and said, "Damn you're beautiful." I really don't know what to do with that.

Except maybe vomit a little in my head and thank my mother's side of the gene pool.

I watched Four Lions again, and this song just caught on. It does make me want to dance all night long in the moonlight and that's when you know a song is awesome. When it makes you want to do what it tells you to do. Oh, Four Lions, if you haven't watched it, I feel sorry for your soul.

Listen to this and tell me it doesn't make you want to dance. Even a little bit. Even in your head.

Come along with me to a cliff under a tree.

During the 11 days I was in Spain and Portugal, it felt like I was drinking from the fountain of the Universe in all its glory and wonderment. I was in a perpetual state of giddiness. Everything and everyone was amazing. Life could do no wrong. The simplest act of walking down a street to a news stand to get stamps became the best walk I've had. During the bus ride from Granada to Madrid, I thought to myself, 'This is it. This is the happiest I've been.'

Sigh. Had such an adventure. Like accidentally leaving my party underwear on one of the hostel's balcony. Getting lost and separated in Barcelona after a random bus ride. Making friends with hot (shirtless) street roller blading performers. Also made friends with a widowed ex-school teacher named Maria who invited us into her home and showed us her old black and white wedding pictures.

This one particular night after dinner while we were in Granada, we took a walk, going nowhere specifically. Just picked a direction and walked towards it. Ended up at the Cathedral. Decided to lay down on the cobble stone steps behind the Cathedral and watched the stars. The square in front of us was dark except for a hazy yellow light coming from a small cafe. There was music. People were lounging in the balconies on the buildings surrounding the square. The stars were magnificent. It was beautiful.

OH, and the people are wonderful. Despite the fact that we couldn't speak a lick of Spanish, it didn't stop them from wanting to have a conversation with us. They're quite accustomed to tourists, so that could be one of the reasons why they're incredibly friendly and helpful. But you know, I've been to Paris twice, and not one of those times I've felt as welcomed as the people of Spain have made me feel. And not just the locals, the people at the dorms are awesome too. Met this one guy from Slovenia, and get this, he's a doctor! I was so excited when he said he's just graduated from medical school last year. He said, laughing at my disbelief, 'You know, you life doesn't end when you become a doctor.'

Oh man, just thinking about it all is making all happy again. I can't wait to do this again next year. Oh yeah my dad's wallet going to shit itself silly.

_____________________________

So, Malaysia's boring as a white blank wall in a yellow room. It pains me to say so, but it is. I'm only here for 3 days and I already ran out of things to do. I'm hoping next week's trip to KL would cure this boredom.

I'm getting a ukulele case. I was actually hoping someone might be epic enough to get it for me as a birthday present but meh. Hope is for the desperate.

I have a bunch of other things to talk about but this post is getting to be too long. I'll go to sleep now and dream of Slovenia and Riz Ahmed.

For a minute there, I lost myself.

Holiday romances are the best. Both get into it knowing it's not going to last so they make the best out of every second.


This has been, by far, one kick ass trip. It's making me delirious.

So so so so many things to talk about.

Shall reminisce about it fondly once I'm back in Malaysia.

I'll be home in a little while.

So the other day, I was on the couch listening to people's conversation, when it hit me, really hit me, that I am quite alone. The conversation itself had nothing to do with the sudden revelation, it was just sort of a passing thought that's...passing through. And never really left.

I'm not especially saddened by this. I don't really want to delve deeper into it either. I don't feel any particular feeling about this. I just wanted to say it out loud.




Well, Portugal and Spain here I come.