air kotak jambu

I gave you all.

2012-02-14T00:07:00.006+02:00

"Rip the earth in two with your mind,
seal the urge which ensues with brass wires."

I just went through a 3 day non stop all day studying binge and I'm incredibly sleepy so bear with me if I sound a wee retarded.

I am analytical of even the littlest of things. It's tiring, it's fun, and it's a burden. I make it sound like it's a super power and some would scorn and say 'The fuck?' but it is a super power, really. Especially when it's used with the right amount of cynicism and attentiveness. And believe you me when I say I am those things. I'm not proud with a lot of things that I am but this, this I do love about myself. And with my super power I see things. I use logic and I know things. Things you don't really want me to know.

Wait I just lost track of what I wanted to say.

Okay. So recently I've been filled with even more spite for the human nature. This time it's of their blatant love of the superficial. Especially superficial beauty. I have nothing against wanting to look pretty, but that isn't the only thing you should spend your time and money and energy on. Also fucktards need to remember that beauty is subjective. Your beautiful shit could just be shit to me and I mean no offence by that.

Never ever in your life should you judge a book by its cover, my Mom said, once upon a time, in those early impressionable years. What she should've said was, don't judge a book by its covers, but it doesn't mean that book can go ahead and cover itself in bat shit.

I'm not saying I'm a saint, that I've never judged by first look because my pretty little mouth works incredibly faster than my mind and I say things I don't think about most of the time.

I used to believe that first impressions matter, that they make the basic skeleton of your view on things, but right now I say, screw that; first impressions are mere fallacies.

You see a book, and you open it and it's a book most of the time and then half way through, boom, it's a jelly bean.

In truth, I've had this feeling for quite some time now, that I shouldn't have a single view of a person no matter how tempting it is. I should always consider circumstances, and emotions, and personal preferences. An informed consent, if you will. Because you know, nobody likes to be shoved into the wrong hole.

Anyway, (through all of this I can't help but feel that despite all of my 'protocols', I am not given the same courtesy from others. People judge me front left to right, or they never bother to dig deeper before coming to a conclusion.)

What the hell was my point again.

I always feel a little disoriented whenever I'm listening to Mumford & Sons.

A few days ago I psychoanalysed a couple of my friends. They didn't like it. Who likes being told why they are the way they are anyway. Anyway, I will risk sounding like a bag of douche but what I said about them were spot on.

I took a particular, flawed and prominent little habit of theirs and with stories from their childhood, formed my own hypothesis about why they're doing it. I didn't do it on purpose though, I swear. It just happened.

And it felt amazing. It was like I solved a nice little puzzle I hadn't meant to solve at all. Anyway that's what humans are in a way aren't they, puzzles?

I'm still debating whether I should write them down, the things I said to my friends. It feels like a breach of privacy. Well anyway they're just the usual neglect childhood issues that's manifested itself now by a compulsive need to seek any form of approval from an older, authoritative figure. The second friend had a sudden uncontrollable traumatic loss during childhood that makes controlling every little petty detail now, crucial.

Nothing impressive really, but the fact that I sort of connected the dots made it, oh look at that I wrote them down anyway.

Then I realized it's easy to point out other people's flaws. So what I did was, I took a look at myself. And I am a people pleaser. Guilt is my kryptonite. As a kid I've always felt like I've come short of my parents expectations, always, and I was ashamed. I was never smart enough, I was never tall enough, I was never pretty enough, I was never cool enough. So now I spend my time trying to be something for everyone that mattered to me. That extra money you need, I would lend it. That thing you forgot to do, I could do it for you. That time you hurt my feelings, I let it go.

Also the reason why I have a soft spot for sidekicks, because I was never the main attraction. The lead guitarists are always my favourite, not the lead singers.

Not forgetting my Daddy issues. It used to be neglect issue from both parents, but since a few years ago my mother and I have addressed that issue and now we're cool. I have my share of weird lucrative destructive behaviour from the lack of affection and attention from my Dad but somehow not weird or lucrative or destructive enough that I would piss off my Mom.

This is way too personal.

But I will say what I have to say and it shall be acknowledged.

I feel like I've split my head into several pieces.

I sound completely insane right now, even to myself. Because I'm talking to myself. Great.

I always knew I'd end up with you, eventually.

2012-02-07T22:09:00.009+02:00

I feel bad. For all the guys that has expressed some sort of affection for me and I've brutally looked the other way and made things weird. It took balls to confess emotions and things, and I should've handled it more delicately.

Also I have a knack of attracting weirdos so I'm worried that one day they'd snap and shoot me and everyone else that has wronged them.

Not that there's a lot of them. But you know, I'm tired and bored and these are the things that I think about. I should apologize or something.

Anyway, I LOVE OSCE! I'm so tired. I need more chocolate. I took a nap after exams and just now when I woke up I seem to have lost my left ear ring. Looked for it but it's not anywhere to be found. It's like the bed swallowed it. OR I LEFT IT IN MY DREAM! That would be cool. Hahahahahahaha.

Okay this is pointless.

Bye.

OR NOT!

LISTEN TO THIS SONG!

This, THIS is why I need to move to London.

Honest to God, he is not any more good looking than any guy I know here. In fact some of them here is way cuter. But when a man sings with an acoustic guitar, all things will be in order in the universe and I am shamelessly and irrevocably smitten.

Also, MY WORD that jeans is snug.

It feels like love.

2012-01-31T23:36:00.004+02:00

I don't know what she's saying, but it feels like love. I could feel like dog shit and this would turn it to love.

I've been listening to old French songs for the past day for some unknown reason. It's amazing though. I'm learning a lot. Like if I'm about to have sex, old French songs will be played in the background.

Sous le ciel de Paris.

2012-01-31T23:11:00.003+02:00

My mother always say that I'm a drama queen who imagines the worst of a situation (approximately about a floppity jillion times worst) when I feel something bad is about to happen. A pin prick is a train suicide.

She also said that I'm psychotic for wanting to buy an ukulele for Haqqi, a 7 month old baby. IT'S NEVER TOO YOUNG TO ENCOURAGE MUSIC MOTHER. But that's another point.

Point is, the great thing about being a pessimist is I don't really mind being proven wrong.

Now, I can honestly without doubt, say that my parents' visit might just be the best thing that could happen to me, here.

But being the pessimist that I am, I've managed to convince myself that this silver ray of goodness and happiness will be short lived and I should enjoy it to its fullest extent, now. Before things go bad again, and mark my worrywart words, it will.

__________________

What is this wonderful beautiful madness? I'm in love with it. I can watch it all day, and I did.

When I found out that it's actually a movie, I think I got so excited my brain shat out a rainbow coloured spleen. I might just cry.

Sigh.

2012-01-25T23:48:00.002+02:00

One people shouldn't feel all of this emotions at the same time. It's just not right.

I am going insane now.

My own reflection told me I ought to be ashamed of myself.

2012-01-21T01:42:00.004+02:00

Feeling a lot better now, in so many ways. Feeling sad was fun. But it was interfering with my daily life. Look at Dexter, he was fucked up and yet he got up and went to work and had various relationships with people all around him, to survive. After a while, he did start to give a fuck about things. Things that matter anyway.

Ah, people. They're something aren't they.

Fuck in a box, how I miss travelling.

Now, while I dwell on many, many life lessons and things and such, I am also going to play this song on repeat until cows fart symphonies out of their asses.

No way no hey.

2012-01-19T01:00:00.007+02:00

Also something really weird (bad?) happened last night.

We were at Luke's surprise and somehow Sufi and I got to talking about being pregnant. She asked me, if she was pregnant with her first child and about to give birth, would I go visit her?

I said "No, why the hell should I. Your family is there." Imagine my surprise when she was offended.

I fail to see the significance or impact of my presence would make on anyone's first child's birth day. I would be happy for you, sure and I will visit you afterwards, but to travel all the way to wherever you are and probably missing out on the actual birth, seems incredibly useless and stupid.

You might argue 'Oh but it's the whole human connection blah blah emotional connection between two friends blablabla being a good friend supportive yada yada bloopity boo'

Bitch please.

I would feel bad if I make my friends travel all the way to London (yes that's where I imagine where I'll be in 5 years time) just to see my scream and poop and cry and squeeze out a little person out of my vagina.

It's called logic ladies. Now stop being so goddamn hormonal.

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

2012-01-18T23:39:00.010+02:00

I was talking to my friend on Skype about this problem she's been having with her boyfriend. In a nutshell, he's hot, she's hopeless, and another girl is stealing her thunder. Now she's bitching and moaning about how the other girl is drooling and hogging up the guy and his time and so she can't even talk to him.

At first I was a little sympathetic. But only for a while. I listened, of course, but it's too pathetic I couldn't even give a quarter of fuck. Instead I told her she's an idiot. But she's so in love (or a real moron) that she's turn a deaf ear to reason and logic.

When I think about it, I guess I can understand the circumstances of her situation. I could muster a little empathy because I know how hard it is being in a relationship and how easily your self esteem can suffer when another girl, prettier and perkier, is sniffing around your turf. The way I see it, you can either take it lying down and cry about it or take out the other girl. If she really is in love as she said she is, then the second option should've been an easy option.

If you're not willing to fight for the one you claim to love, then it can't really be love can it dumbass.

___________

Me personally, I do believe in love, and I think when you feel it you will know that it's love. But the whole one guy one girl, here on forever after, true love; I have a hard time expressing that. Because by my logic, let's say you've been with a guy for 10 years and it's great, and if you claim he is your true love, then who's to say what will happen in another 5 years?

You can't plant a seed in the ground and say that's a tree. Just like how you shouldn't claim at your wedding day that you've met your true love when you're only just starting a life with that person. When you're on your death bed and you think, I've been with the same man for 40 years and I love him as much and even more than I did the first time I met him then yes, that man is your true love.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is love should be a growing thing. Putting a definite character on it like 'forever', or 'true', seems a bit inappropriate.

"I promise to be the very best husband and father that I can be." -Dexter's wedding vow.

By far, the most well put, believable wedding vow ever.

And really, that is all I want in a man.

Sad.

2012-01-14T14:40:00.011+02:00

It makes me sad that it has come to a point where people don't bother to watch what they say to me because I'm 'emotionally adjustable'. I don't take offence that often because I know people tend to say things without thinking it through but lately, I'm not sure why I've suddenly become so damn emotionally vulnerable, when people say insensitive things, I just feel like...crying.

And I don't mean insensitive things like 'You're fat' or 'You smell' but personal problem things. Don't talk about your cute dog when you know my cute dog just died two days ago.

Sigh. I wish some people would learn some empathy.

He can only fall in love for just one night.

2012-01-02T00:21:00.007+02:00

My my my, what a New Year's Eve.

Shit got weird and cold pretty quick, but the fireworks were awesome. I've never played any fireworks in Malaysia so I don't really have any reference but eh, people laughed, things exploded, I say that's good enough.

I'm not one to feel philosophical about a new year, it's just another day to me, but this year I can't help but feel it's a semi-new start of..something. Because I actually genuinely want to get rid of the excess baggage I've been carrying around since God knows when.

So....here's to a semi-new start of something.

_____________________

Had this song on repeat since 3 hours ago. Catchy beat, not particularly great, but oh jack when I read the lyrics. Haha......yeah. Brings back awkward, awkward memories.

But that's all he is now, a memory. No, he's not dead or anything, just less relevant. Which is way worst, come to think of it.

Yeah....

Oh and my voice is all scratchy and sexy now because of the sore throat. Yoink.

I'm rambling.

Bye now.

I don't get mad, I get stabby.

2011-12-30T19:55:00.007+02:00

I went jogging this morning. As a result, I am now feverish with a massive cold.

I feel better now that I'm on medication. In fact I feel a whole load better. Because now I'm sleepy.

You know the sort of sleepiness you feel from medication that is just so sweetly, maddeningly soft and mentally warms your metaphysical cup of coffee and you feel like you're floating on cinnamon flavoured cloud.

Mmmmmmm yeah.

What is this amazing drug that I'm taking.

A few hours ago, amidst this sleepy haze, it suddenly occurred to me that I got a call last night at 3am to open the front door. I was foggy on the who it was and if it was real or simply a dream I think to be real. So I checked my recent incoming calls, and lo and behold there was a call from an unknown number at 3.03 am last night. Seeing that the phone call was real, I suddenly remembered walking on the cold floor of the hallway towards the front door. Officially intrigued (and freaked out) I boldly called the unknown number.

And it turned out to be J.

Then it came down crashing on me that it was J that was at the front door.
In her ER scrubs.

At 3 am.

So that's that.

My parents are coming this January. I am fucked. My secret life of slacking off is in danger of being discovered, what with these big mouthed blab people.

On the other hand, once the horror passes on, I feel super excited. Partly because finally my parents will believe me when I complain about the overall living condition here. (come to think of it, I don't know what I'll achieve if they do believe it. That's just retarded thinking.) but mostly because I miss my mom. I try not to think about my dad so much. (but when I let myself, yes I do miss him too.)

They'll arrive at 2 am in the morning. I was like what the hell. Then I remembered there are taxis even at 2 am in the morning. I could simply go there at 10 pm or something and wait for them but my mom wasn't having it. She said they'll just grab a taxi by themselves. I wasn't having that. So I went to Thomas Cook and booked a taxi for them. Problem solved.

Also, recently I was told that it's blasphemy to wish people/celebrate Christmas. So does this apply to Chinese New Year and Deepavali as well? Or is it just Christmas? I don't know if it's true, but if it is, well then my predicament is half of my extended family are Christians. So I can't wish my family to have a merry Christmas? I can't be happy for them and respect their beliefs as how they have respected mine? I'm not renouncing my religion when I say to my grandfather 'Merry Christmas Papa.' I say it to let him know that even though we are miles apart I am thinking about him on his joyful day. I want him to know that his granddaughter loves him. If I'm going to hell for loving my grandfather then what the hell.

_______

I didn't think Alex could be cool before this festival. Honestly one of the best days of my life. As you can probably deduce from my retarded happy poses.

Also, if you have new year's resolutions then know that I think you're a lazy idiot. Nothing wrong with being lazy or an idiot but a lot is wrong when you're lazy and an idiot.

Give me attention, I need it now.

2011-12-08T21:19:00.002+02:00

I don't know what to do.

I really don't know what to do now.

I'm not sure if I'm in trouble, or if I even need any help, or what I'm actually feeling, if it's particularly bad or sad or nothing.

But what I'm pretty sure about right now is once your foundation is fucked, you are, ultimately and quite permanently, also fucked.

Fuck a duck.

2011-11-25T23:13:00.004+02:00

Watched The Adventures of Tin Tin last night. Brought back incredible childhood memories. I decided right then and there that I would make it a point to try and not let my nephew miss out on any of the things that made my childhood a happy one. Movies, toys, books, music, the whole load of them.

Until it occurred to me that shoving these things that I think is wonderful down his throat is quite unfair and the principle itself goes against everything I've believed. I should let him make his own childhood.

Until it occurred to me that considering the era of which he's going to grow up in, it would probably be less epic and a little more devastating than my childhood. Less chances of knowing The Beatles or how to properly catch a chick without having its mother peck your eyeballs off. And that is just so very sad.

I thought, well this is too confusing. Whatever it is, whatever happens, I just want that midget to be happy.

Kids should be happy. It makes me sad when I think about kids crying about something that's way too big for them. If that makes sense to you.

Anyway, Tin Tin was amazing. I love it. I felt like I was 11 again. Also, watched it with a bunch of other '11 year olds' so that made it all the more enjoyable.

_______

There's this series I just found out from my sister, The Walking Dead. I was on the first episode, 2 minutes in, before the internet decided to be a douche wad. So now I'm just waiting until mainstream catches on and people start to download the series and I can just get it from them. From the 2 minutes I've seen, it seems pretty decent. As much decent as zombies can be.

_______

News from home is bumming me out. (insert long angry rant with fanciful curses topped with highly cynical conclusion of how dick wad a person can really be here)

This is too cute.

Fall back in love eventually.

2011-11-18T23:56:00.005+02:00

Been feeling a little weird lately. More than usual.

As in, usually I'm pretty good at suppressing/pretending/functioning normally despite the weird mush that goes on in my head. But lately it's getting a little harder, with less reason.

I swear one of these days, if I don't get my shit together, someone's going to find me walking alone in the street at 3 am at night in my pyjamas.

Must be the rain. Rain makes me think.

Also, people should remember to never believe everything I say. I say a lot of things to a lot of people. Sometimes I make things up just to see what people would do. It's just something I do.

You must know life to see decay.

2011-11-13T21:20:00.004+02:00

I dreamt that I stabbed a man with a pair of scissors. He was a bad man, I was sure of that, and so I stabbed him in his throat. We were on a ship and it was dark and raining. I woke up, with a vivid memory of what it felt like when I thrust the pointy end of that scissors into his throat. It felt like that swooping feeling when you miss a step.

That was some dream.

Someone told me once that what you were feeling right before you sleep affects your dream. Well, I remember I was feeling pretty hopeless because my Mom said she can't promise that she would fix my Mac because the cost is too expensive. I guess that counts as feeling a little stabby.

Though she did say, she noted my attachment to that laptop so she will take it into consideration.

For 20 years my mother has never lead me astray, so as much as it kills me to hear that my Mac could never get fixed, I trust her judgement.

_______

I miss travelling. I miss being in a foreign country. I miss eating crappy food, not taking a proper shower, sleeping in weird hostels. I miss getting lost. I miss looking for directions in a non-English speaking country with no signs, armed only with that piece of printed paper with the address, relying solely on your sense of direction. I miss feeling burned out after a whole day of walking and sight seeing. I miss seeing things I've never seen before. I miss feeling wonderful and amazed and blown away and reassured that I would never ever feel bored again because the world is big with a floppity jillion things to be seen and experienced and taken in.

Today, while daydreaming in class, I found myself thinking about Ireland again. I like Ireland very much. I think I have an affinity towards scenic nature big hills with tall grass and one way dirt roads places, compared to places like Bangkok or Central London.

I would definitely go back to Ireland. Remembering Dingle's cliffs and pubs is making my eyes water.

_______________

This is one of those kinds of song where the whole magic and value is in its lyrics, which in my opinion is the best kind of song.

Now, this is my favourite verse in this song.

"I saw exactly what was true,
But oh no more.

That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have."

But that's just me, I'm hopeful like that.

Anyway this band is so amazing I'm literally pulling at my hair out of frustration.

Adventures of Batman and Bloser.

2011-11-11T23:55:00.001+02:00

If Red was a real person, I would do him.

If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won.

2011-11-11T22:09:00.006+02:00

I almost drowned while snorkelling at Hurghada. I haven't told anyone about this in details because I'm a little embarrassed. Plus I know my friends won't take it seriously. (Because I never explain things properly. Because people suck.)

I honestly didn't think I could drown, ever, because well, call me retarded but all this while I've always thought the sea as a friend. I literally grew up with the sea in my backyard. I love the sea, it's home.

And I'm an excellent swimmer. That has always been my thing, my mojo, my special talent, mine; being able to brag about swimming in the middle of the sea with nothing but swimming goggles.

But apparently the Red Sea has waves my tiny, insignificant body can't handle. It was too rough, too cold, too empty.

At the time I was scared, sure, but I got over it soon enough. Only to feel incredibly sad. Like I've lost something really precious. And well to be perfectly honest, I am still pretty shaken up. It would take a little time before I can go into the sea again.

First my home, then my Mac, now this. Why does the shit that happens to me seems to be in the theme of losing something.

I am so very sad.

But I can't afford to feel sad now (or ever). In fact, it wouldn't do at all if I am anything less than okay by tomorrow. There's things to do, shit to undone, people to please.

I think I deserve a fucking hug.

Just give me a call.

2011-10-21T23:57:00.002+02:00

You know what I like to do when I'm slightly high and a little dizzy and feel like puking my gastric contents out (actually this is the second time I've felt this high and the first time was lame so really, 'you know what I will do hence forth every time I'm slightly high and a little dizzy and feel like puking')

Put on Queen's Don't Stop Me Now and dance until I really puke in my underwear.

I mean dance in my underwear. Not puke in my underwear. I'll puke on someone's shoes.

Onwards ho!

I want to slap my own face.

2011-10-13T21:25:00.004+02:00

I'm sleepy so this might not sound as intelligent and spot on as I want it to be but this is a rant so screw that.

I can't stand it when girls say 'Oh I just want to be a *insert a simple easy field here' 'Oh when I get married I'll stop working and have kids' Just because it's easier that way. If that is your aim in life, why go through all the trouble of getting into a medical school? Not even medical school, why even bother finishing high school? Why the hell are you here? Meanwhile there are other people out there who wants this so badly and probably deserves it so much more than your lazy ass. 6 years of knowledge and skills and you would settle for something less?

I have nothing against housewives. But if my mother can work and raise a family, sometimes all by herself, and be awesome at both, why the hell can't you? I'll tell you why, you're lazy. You're an idiot. You have no goals. You want someone else to pay for your food, for your kids' education, for your clothes and when your husband turns around and fucks another woman and screw you over you're left with no money, no dignity, no security, just a lot of pain and mental problems. WHAT THE FUCK.

Sorry. Sidetracked.

Point is, be inspired and have some aspiration you lazy mindless fuck.

Let me be clear, I have no qualms over a woman wanting to start a family, being a good wife and whatever. I think it takes a lot to be a good wife and mother.

I only have a problem when a woman is presented with so many options and talent, wastes them away, and settles down because and I quote 'lagi senang kalau jadi housewive'

LAZY FUCK.

I'm not saying I'm going to be successful carrier wise and blabla, shit who knows what's going to happen. But if I do, God forbid, settle down with a guy and stop working, I will have already exercised all other options and it will not be because ohh I don't want to work anymore coz I lazy and hey what else can I do besides being a mom.

Then they tell me 'Oh I tak suka medicine la. Ni I ikut family/nenek/pakcik/atok je.' HABIS TU NAK BAZIR 6 TAHUN NENEK KAU BAYAR MASUK MEDICAL SCHOOL? Habis 6 tahun duit, tenaga, lepas tu balik rumah masak nasi goreng.

This is a delicate issue and I should handle this with more care.

But fuck it, I have low tolerance to voluntary idiocy.

You better run better run faster than my bullet.

2011-10-09T21:09:00.005+02:00

You would've thought that coming from a family of doctors would make a person smarter. The advantages themselves are annoyingly advantageous and with those kind of privileges one should at least be a level ahead of the rest.

But nooooo, I'm the exception to that logic. I am as dumb and lazy as a troll.

But I will work on that, I promise. For Haqqi. I don't know why but the only thing that can get me excited these days is that round ball of a person. Maybe it's because he's a baby and he can't talk and can't think properly yet. I could feed him ideas and mould him into whatever I deem is acceptable.

Yeah I think that's largely the reason why he's so goddamn appealing.

________

When I told my mom that I'm in the surgery department, she said, quite randomly, that I'm too skinny to be a surgeon. Then she made my dad text me things like 'Eat a banana'. I don't know what she's trying to do.

My BMI is normal. I checked.

So far all of the doctors that I've had reminds me of my dad, especially when we're at the dinner table (those rare times that we are together for dinner) and he would randomly ask us medical questions. I normally would just stuff my mouth with food and look at him blankly.

Which is what I'm doing now, minus the stuffing my mouth with food.

And the history taking would go a lot smoother and awesomer if I paid attention in UKM when they taught us how to communicate in Arabic.

But I will work on that too.

Also, I can't wait to go to into the OR later. WOHOOOOOOOOO.

(What I lack in knowledge, I make up with enthusiasm)

I can't believe I have homework. Yeah, that's what the doctor said. HOMEWORK. 'This is your homework, to be handed in tomorrow.'

Aw hell no.

But yeah, so far so good, clinical years. Considering how I ~~secretly~~ actually detest medicine.

________

I checked in with my personal growth and mental status just now, and I believe I am one fucked up person.

And that is all I will say on that subject.

It's not a mistake unless you make it a mistake.

2011-10-07T22:46:00.003+02:00

And so it begins. The arduous task of turning my crappy room to a livable place. I need to buy a bunch of stuff to make that happen and usually I'm against spending money for inanimate things like a room, but under the circumstances I'm willing to overlook that fact. And let's face it, I have no morals when it comes to spending my dad's money. (don't worry he brought this on himself)

I'm going to get a proper bookshelf, a table lamp, maybe new curtains and that plastic tikar thing so it'll cover up the shit that is the floor. Also I think I want to repaint the walls.

This may seem stupid since I'm only going to be here for 3 more years but you know, there is a deeper slightly less idiotic reason behind this task. At least I think there is.

I can try and explain why I'm doing this but you know, I don't really care. I'm just going to do it.

______

I want to take a year off after I graduate. I don't know what I'd do. Travel, sure. And maybe get a job. One that is non medical related. Or just read a bunch of books.

My dad will flip the fuck out if he knows I want to do this. He's all 'Oh yeah graduating at 23 is an advantage blabla' I should listen to him.

BUT I WON'T! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

It's just, living according to plan for 23 years is boring. And I really really hate boring.

This sappy song is kind of nice. In all its sappiness.

Also, people are all offended because I forget birthdays, faces, names or whatever, and I've said this many times before but I'll say it again. If it's important to me then I'll remember. Let me point out that just because it's important to you doesn't mean it's important to me.

You did not think when you sent me to the brink.

2011-09-29T13:59:00.004+02:00

I took this pill. Now I feel awesome!

I think my body's chemicals react differently to drugs.

There's a term for it. There was a whole fucking chapter about it in Pharma. I forgot what it's called.

My mom said the pill isn't supposed to make people feel awesome and high but I am awesome and slightly high. My body is physiologically different than the general masses, take that conformity! Hahahahahahahahaha.

______

I've been harassing people on Twitter and Facebook since an hour ago. I should stop.

Anyway, in that one hour, I've rediscovered a long suppressed talent of mine; ass kissing. I can make a person feel so good about themselves, and then subtly ask them to do something for me. And it worked.

Granted, I've only been talking to mindless idiots with no mental defenses whatsoever so I might have to sharpen this talent before taking on the smarter, more important half of humanity.

_____

I feel different. I mean, I think I feel different. For the past 2 weeks I've been here. I think... I'm...maturing. But I don't know. It's only logical for me to grow up mentally and shit. And you know, there isn't a part of me that wants people to pay for all the things they've done wrong to me. Like, revenge and things.

But who knows. Maybe I might go ape shit if I see that person.

Maybe I won't.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

_____

Anyway, I've been listening to only Mumford & Sons and Foster the People for the last 72 hours. My iTunes is confused with the mix of the two different sounds.

In all seriousness, Mumford & Sons is one of the most awesome bands in the galaxy. Foster the People, I don't know. Reminds me of MGMT though.

Speaking of awesome bands. I told my mom the other day. "Mak, remember this name; Coldplay. They're a band. If they're playing anywhere near me, I will HAVE to go, regardless of the cost. Okay?"

She stayed quiet but I knew she knew I wouldn't say random shit like that if I wasn't serious about it.

________

I've finished packing. People are all, "Ahh bring this and that for me" Screw you, I won't. There's already a service for that, it's called the post office.

Pya said the house is in the shits, like how it always is every start of term. I said we should move. We might have to split up. So now we're looking for houses. Or we might not move at all. I don't know. 6 people making a definite decision takes time.

I seriously feel we need to move because the house has been a big costly pain in my ass. But the view and location is so amazing that I am having second thoughts. My balcony is pretty bad ass.

I don't know. But we have to figure something out. Or else I'm going to flip out.

__________

I STILL DON'T HAVE A GUITAR!

________

I'm worried about my eldest sister. You know, like the rocks at the bottom of the cliffs. How the raging sea and waves bitch slaps it day and night, year after year, and it just takes it because it can't move and nature has given it a special responsibilities to accept the bitch slaps of the sea because the sea is a spoilt bratty boy that throws tantrums all the time? Point is, I hope my sister won't drown.

I would simply just die if she's not around.

_________

I need to talk to someone clever and unbiased.

Like Big Bird.

I need to make new friends.

______

Attention, not affections.

2011-09-28T17:15:00.002+02:00

Oh my, my brain like, melted.

You are pretty down to your bones.

2011-09-26T14:14:00.007+02:00

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I've watched all 10 episodes of GOT and now I am sad.

Sad. Un-entertained. Bored. Uninterested. Lazy. With no purpose.

I need to read the books now. (I mean after I'm done with the 400 or so books on my shelves.)

It surprised me that there's still 2 more books to be published, but already there's a TV series. I'm glad they did, though. Or else I would've missed out on its awesomeness. Thank you HBO.

Also, I WANT A SWORD.

Guys come and go (even hot scruffy lords), but swords are awesome forever.

______

Now I haven't read the book, I only know what I've seen on the series, but I had this thought the other day while I was washing my hair. A Song of Ice and Fire;

Jon Snow is Ice.

Daenerys Targaryen is Fire.

Or is this already a common knowledge? Whatever it is, I can't wait for season 2.

Man, I honestly haven't been this excited about a series since Friends. A friend told me I only watch it for Kit Harington and Richard Madden. That is true of course, but only part of the reason why. Even if they replaced those two with ugly actors (like Zac Efron) I would still watch it and enjoy it.

Plus I get over a pretty face quite easily. Dominic Cooper who?

And people should appreciate villains more. Without conflict, the hero wouldn't be able to shine through and prove his worth. Villains are just as vital as the hero in a story, probably more even. Like King Joffrey. Is he a bratty dick? Of course he is. But if he wasn't a bratty dick, then the war wouldn't happen.

And you know in real life, villains win more often than we'd all like.

______

The istana behind my house is starting to really annoy me. Why so huge? WHY SO HUGE?? Do you realize how huge it is? I'll tell you how huge it is.

It's very huge.

Also, why on a forest hill?

______

This is ridiculously stupid and hilarious. Like most of you sometimes.

Babydoll, do you believe they'll catch you when you fall?

2011-09-25T13:17:00.000+02:00

People are all 'Oh the glass is half empty, the glass is half full, blah blah blah'. I say, shoot that damn glass with a BB gun and replay it in slow motion goddamn it. Who gives a shit how full or empty a glass is. Idiots. It's a glass.

Get a Tefal pan and goreng nasi, lagi beneficial.

You know how I feel sometimes, people spend too much time thinking about life, debating how shitty it is or how awesome it is, and they don't live. Goddamn jump off the cliff and swim, why don't you.

That's how I feel anyway. And I don't care how you feel. I might care for a little while. I might care a lot for a little while. The next thing you know I'm dancing in my underwear to ABBA and I've forgotten all about you.

I'm not trying to defy conformity or shit, I just really like life. I've never not want to live. Not just in the physical sense. Just the whole thing.

(This sudden spurt of adrenaline and revelation is too quick for me, and I can't find smart words to fit with the words I have in my head.)

This might be another level of denial I've concocted but I think I'm okay with it.

__________

I'm at episode 5 of Game of Thrones (where the horse's head just got cut off) and so far I've concluded that this series is amazing. Made me realize a few things.

#1 Wolves have been and always will be, awesome.

#2 Scuffy bearded guys have been and always will be, awesome.

but most importantly,

#3 No matter how bad your family drama is, theirs is much worst.

Also it's bloody graphic. Several times I've muttered to myself 'must not pass out', watching someone slash open a throat and blood gurgles out of the open gaping wound. And the nudity, whoa mama.

Some things you cannot un-see.

Bath Rhymes.

2011-09-23T15:11:00.002+02:00

Makes me dance shamelessly. I NEED TO HAVE THIS IN MY IPOD.

I don't even want to try to sound sane.

2011-09-21T18:39:00.004+02:00

I am in love with my nephew. I really am. I miss his face. I miss being an aunt. I miss having another person who doesn't talk (less annoying), depend on me. Like completely dependent. I can change his diaper or not change it, and he won't be able to do anything about it except cry and scream, which I can completely block out by turning up the TV volume.

But I change his green poop diaper anyway. Because I love him.

Isn't that nice? It feels nice. Making a voluntary effort to comfort and commit to someone you love. I think this is the first step towards self betterment, on my part.

And he's a baby goddamnit. A quiet non tantrum throwing cute little baby. Also I'm a lady with specific hormones and preset genetic orders to be in love with babies.

Ahh look at his awesome face!

He can't even open his fist properly yet and still he is awesome.

Also, aaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh boy you drive me crazy. I wish my texts can slap yo face.

I want pizza now. But I can't. Because I made a pact with my sister not to eat fast food for a year out of an altruistic idiotic attempt of being supportive and shit.

I WANT PIZZA! Pizza good.

Aaaaaaaagggggh.

2011-09-19T08:17:00.003+02:00

It feels like my body is disintegrating and every molecule of it is tired tired tired. I just want to sleep. And when I wake up, I'll staple my eyelids shut and continue on sleeping again.

My sister had appendectomy and I've been taking care of her. That means spending nights at the hospital on a considerably comfortable albeit smallish chair. To make things worst, the lady in the bed next to ours had a jolly perky picnic of nasi lemak yesterday with her 30 or so immediate family, right in the fucking room, while a curtain away my sister was thrashing in her bed in pain trying to sleep. It's unbelievable how retarded and uncourteous people can be.

The people at the hospital know who my parents are so they know me. Also, almost every MO and HO that works there are friends of my sister. And it sort of stinks.

In fact, I don't know which one stinks more. Being in the house all by myself or being in the hospital surrounded by people who knows who my stinkin' face is.

So in conclusion, I'm tired. Don't be a doctor. People are retarded.

I don't know why bad shit keeps happening to our family.

DAH NAK BALIK EGYPT PULAK TU SHIT!

Also, somebody should know that one of the reason I don't tell myself why I didn't want to come home this year is because I don't want to have to leave him.

Also also, why don't more guys have scruffy beard. Just wondering.

My feet move where I tell them to, but not when they are chasing after you.

2011-09-14T10:45:00.004+02:00

I've worked this out in my head, while I was jogging with my sister yesterday.

Unimaginable emotional pain = denial= indifference= appears as selfish bastard.

THAT'S WHAT MY MAID TOLD ME. That I'm selfish.

But not exactly in those words. In fact, what she said was, and I'm paraphrasing, I am 1/3 my eldest sister, 1/3 my mother and 1/3 don't give a damn about what's going on with the family.

For the first time in my life, I do want to talk about my problems. Even if I have to look through the yellow pages for a psychotherapist.

In other news, I won the 'drink rootbeer really fast' contest against a 6 ft tall guy. I feel good about that. I don't know what I'd do without these guys. Sigh.

Absolutely nothing.

2011-09-06T04:13:00.002+02:00

Also, I'm temporarily demented so I will tell him the truth about how I think I like him. Because I am a lady with nothing to lose when it comes to love.

When you have nothing to lose.

2011-09-06T04:05:00.004+02:00

You screwed shit up, and the consequences of your shit are amputating the parts of my life that used to mean so much to me. I can't hate you, I can't even try. I am angry and bitter and insanely terrorized with no means of outlet. I got lost when you were, since I trusted you to be my foundation. I am now a mess.

I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry even harder realizing how we were already on a downhill slide and this shit is merely the big crash at the bottom of the hill. You brought this on us.

You had your moment of selfishness and now it's my turn. I don't accept your apology.

This shit will never get better.

2011-09-05T22:48:00.002+02:00

I no longer cry for myself. I cry for the one who has fallen so far down on his ass and now trying to get up.

How is it possible for so many people to already found out, and I still can't talk to anyone about it?

Holiday lessons and things.

2011-09-02T02:56:00.003+02:00

Everything, and everybody, has a price. If not in the standard currency of money, then in the less fanciful yet still very efficient method of blackmail or bargain.

All it takes is time and buttload of patience.

So I made it to Dingle. Words cannot contain whatever the ditzy flash firework dervish whirlwind of emotions I felt (still feeling).

Persistence is often the key in successfully arriving someplace I want to go, but in this case it's all about who you know.

I'm fucking rambling I'm so tired.

Also, in the leftover moment of victory, I got it into my head to airline hop as much as possible for the journey back to Alex. Been all over the internet looking for the perfect way. I found one option. But not yet satisfied. I'm going to keep on looking. Wish me luck.

Ooooh my dad's wallet will crap itself.

Winkie.

2011-08-22T19:11:00.004+02:00

My sister bought me shoes for my birthday. Because I wanted shoes. But I'm supposed to act surprised when she gives them to me.

I know I'm a hypocrite. It makes me sad too.

But they're so fucking awesome. She's all "Yes, that clearly states, 'this is ika'" And she wasn't sarcastic too.

A small consolation that comes out of this hypocritical shoes is that, the item 'shoes' wasn't exactly in my wish list. Because my wish list is actually my 'To Read' list and so far I've gotten 4 out of 10 books from that list. And now I'm scouring online for used books and using my dad's credit card to pay for them. You know, it's like a birthday present from my dad to me.

Anyway, I haven't completely violated my own stand on gift giving. Just a little. Because those shoes are magical.

I feel a little guilty about using my parents' money. But not so much to stop.

Plus it's not actually my parents' money. It's just my dad's so yeah.

Oh dear Lord in less than a week I'm going to be 20. I feel nauseated.

Rant about things.

2011-08-18T16:52:00.003+02:00

Okay.

This whole 'wish list' business. It's really bugging me.

I've never had a wish list, and the idea of coming up with one has ever occurred to me. Until a few days ago my sister asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said I wanted world peace, Dominic Cooper and the ability to ride Big Bird everywhere.

She said I should make a wish list. I asked what the fuck is a wish list. She explained, it is a list of items that you want, and this list is given to your friends or family and they'll try and get these items for you. My first reaction was "What lazy idiot came up with this idea?"

If someone comes up to me with a wish list and says "Oh yes these are the things that I want for my birthday/bar mitzvah/anniversary/Easter" I will punch him in the face.

There is no surprise in listing down the things that I want and telling you to get them for me, and to me the element of surprise is the best part of gift giving. Without the surprise, it's no less fun than grocery shopping.

Also, in a convoluted way, it's almost like robbing someone, if you think about it how I've thought about it, which is long and hard and convoluted.

I mean I understand the reason behind this wish list. Getting a shitty present is horrible and nobody likes being shoved into the wrong hole, but giving someone a present is supposed to demonstrate how well you know that person and if you couldn't pay enough attention back then, well then too bad.

I hate getting presents for people as much as the next guy, but to me, wish list is cheating. And imposing one's (sometimes expensive and illogical) wishes upon another is just shameful and weird.

If I were to receive a present, I want to be able to say 'HOLY SHIT HOW DID YOU KNOW I LIKE BUNNY HATS?!'. But that's just me I guess. I need attention and validation of self importance.

I have no idea why I'm getting all worked up about this.

Plus, trying to list down things I want made me realize I already have shitload of things and instead of trying to acquire more shitty things, I should donate my already acquired shitty things.

Gah I am so hungry.

Distracted.

2011-08-12T12:51:00.002+02:00

Ahahahahaahahahaahahahahahhaha.

I'm sorry I seem to have temporarily lost function of my brain.

Not the 'kinky I wanna hit that' part of the brain though. Or is that just in my pants.

DAMNNNNNNNNNN.

But there's not much to do when your friends are all fish.

2011-08-10T04:35:00.006+02:00

Who would've thought I am mentally built for child care?

Well, baby care. But still. I will say this and you better believe it, I am great with kids.

I have nothing to share, other than the fact that for once in what seemed to be a long time, I feel happy. I have pictures of me being happy but I'm way to busy cleaning pee, spit and milk vomit of myself to sort them and upload them to Facebook where people I don't really care about can watch and like and basically say things I don't really care to read.

The important thing is, I am happy and I need to prolong this state of ease and awesomeness because I damn well deserve it and I certainly can't do that if I'm involved in things outside this here now.

Another good news, I'm reading again. Finished The Prince, reread The Catcher in The Rye, and now in the middle of The Memory of Running.

You can't possible fathom how goddamn happy I am, being able to read in peace again.

Anyway, I saw Captain America: The First Avenger and it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either. There's less explosives than I hoped, and it's jammed pack up the ass with goddamn cliches. I would watch it again though, but only because I couldn't concentrate too well the first time. On account of this;

and this

and this

There are of course more complimentary (naked, I mean) pictures of them but I don't want to come across as super perverted. At least not this early.

I have 17 hours of puasa and I've only eaten cereal. Man, this is going to be fun.

And by fun, I mean torturous and annoying but you got that, I'm sure.

Hells yeah.

2011-07-31T00:51:00.004+02:00

You have no idea how fucking awesome this place is.

Dance party for me. Or not.

2011-07-28T21:23:00.003+02:00

So I guess it's because I haven't travelled by myself for a while (or I might have, I forget these things), I'm feeling a tad nervous about tonight.

I couldn't figure out why at first. I mean, it's unlikely that I'd miss my flight because I'm never late, or lose my way in an airport, or forget my passport or ticket. (I'm one of those people that have check lists) I'm not scared of flying. I'm not carrying heavy baggage because I'm going to buy shit over there anyway.

In the end, I concluded that the reason I am nervous about tonight is because I am traveling alone.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I like being alone, I just don't like being alone for these specific 8 hours. For some reason.

Granted I'll finally be able to finish The Prince.

Also, Heathrow scares me a little. It confuses me. The last time I was there I almost took off my pants at security check.

But I do have this inner monologue thing that I do whenever I'm by myself so I guess that's going to help.

Still, I can't help but wish I have someone intelligent I can talk to.

I mean, other than myself.

Meh I feel like such a little girl right now.

Everybody knows you cried last night.

2011-07-24T23:48:00.004+02:00

I can honestly say, as of right now I have never felt so shitty in my entire life.

(I'm allowing myself a few minutes of self wallowing.)

Alas, moping about it will do jack squat for everyone involved so I am forced to plough my way through this and hope I come out of the other end alive, even if slightly insane.

SIGH.

In the spirit of tomorrow's last Behavior paper, I took a Personality Test.

I got a 40% on Psychoticism. I'm not as bad ass as I deem myself to be, but I'm perfectly okay with that. Because the other day I saw a YouTube video of a baby bunny sleeping on a guy's hand and I peed myself from cooing and the sheer excitement of watching it nuzzle the guy's thumb. So, yeah I'm about as violent as a coughing gnome.

I am, however 57% neurotic. At first I was offended, but realizing there was no one else around I stopped lying and agreed wholeheartedly.

Also, I got a 50% in the Lie Scale, which is by their definition "Present oneself in a favorable light according to perceived social norms and values."

And here I thought I was special and different.

Like a snowflake.

It is by the act of God's miracle (and strong black coffee) that I survived this month long finals. I've held on, quietly(sometimes not so quietly) accepting with such grace and patience, but this 29th I will stand at the plane door, yell out a "HA FUCKING HA LATER BIOTCH" and kiss this place adios.

You know what, I will not even kiss it. It deserves not my awesome kiss. I will just walk on, maybe flip it off, and not look back.

Also, I haven't bought my return ticket.

It's these small acts of rebellion that gives me strength to wake up in the mornings.

Now I'm going to continue my revision of Human Behavior by watching Fight Club.

Every lament is a love song.

2011-06-30T22:28:00.004+02:00

I would give up my right arm and left leg to freely believe in someone, to comfortably lose myself in the arms of a friend without worrying about being butt fucked, to stop feeling so violated after sharing personal information. Alas fucked from behind, I was, and I can't walked straight properly again.

But I'm not a misanthropist. Humanity doesn't disgust me, it just saddens me. I'm just a sad tired shell of a person with not enough strength to pretend otherwise for people.

Some things will never heal and never be forgotten, but that's a fact I'm willing to live with.

Okay, no, that's not something I'm willing to live with. I'm not okay. I am not okay.

But I'll be okay again, right?

It's only the 2nd paper and I'm already drained. Drained drained to the bones. God forbid I have a mental breakdown one of these days. I am confused and tired and overwhelmed and no you simpletons talking about it doesn't help.

My God so much rage from such a short girl.

1,2,3.

2011-06-24T16:17:00.002+02:00

ps: God only knows how much self restraint it's taking me to not pack my bags and fly off to Ireland right now.

Snuffleupagus.

2011-06-22T15:46:00.003+02:00

How you doin?

Move on, move on.

2011-06-16T21:45:00.005+02:00

So it's decided. I'm not going back to Malaysia this summer, not even for Raya. Basing myself in Ireland and planning to go all over. Malaysia has lost all of its appeal at the moment.

Logic and reason are telling me this is an impossible and annoyingly inconvenient decision since I lack knowledge, money and appropriate height in case I need to defend myself against sex predators, but even after taking those things into consideration, the excitement of being by myself triumphs over them all.

This is of course only in the planning stage. I've still to convince my mother that her little girl isn't coming home.

That sounded a little more dramatic than I intended.

I think this funny bastard has a bigger picture he's trying to get to. Cas is just the means of getting there. Simply a demon playing an angel because we all know demons are...well, devious.

James and the Giant Peach.

2011-06-02T15:13:00.002+02:00

I wash my hands off of this hullaballoo.

I need a break.

Oh and fuck this shit.

Settle down.

2011-05-24T01:21:00.003+02:00

It's funny, looking back on the past few years. The things that used to matter the most back then, means jack squat now. Which makes me appreciate consistency even more. If things mean the same as they did 5 years ago, then that's worthy of something. I feel hypocritical, admitting consistency as an important value in life, since I'm fickle minded by choice. Ah well. I guess we all do have idiocy set in default.

A conversation last night led me to realize that I still have the bad habit of setting an abnormally high standards for people and things. Not the right way to live. I need to calm the hell down and get some help.

We're going to Dingle Island. It's supposed to be very beautiful on summer. They filmed Leap Year there. No I'm not looking for romantic, I just want to go somewhere with pointy cliffs and sharp rocks at the bottom.

I cannot wait to get out of here and out of everyone's ass.

A calm exit, of course.

If it keeps on raining, the levee is going to break.

2011-05-15T19:59:00.003+02:00

My head is one big mush of everything happening at the same time. I need logic to calm it down. I don't lose control that often, unsurprisingly, because I always plan ahead. (I'm going to risk sounding like a cliched hormonal teen jackass here) Because letting the world know what's really going on inside my head scares the living ass out of me.

So there.

Anyway, I've booked my ticket to Ireland. I will spend my holidays changing diapers and cooing and losing my head over how small and cute babies' hands are. And if I can resist my mother's plea to come home for Raya and muster up the right amount of indifference to violate dad's credit card, I will travel.

That's the plan anyway.

I will probably rape Oxford Street too. With window shopping of course. Unless I suddenly find a pot of leprechaun's gold in my sister's backyard.

Also, I will turn 20 over the holidays. I was thinking, maybe I should do something extravagant to mark the occasion. Like shaving my head. Or getting a real job. You know, something along those lines.

On a side note, assignments suck ass. Making me in charge of one, sucks horse's ass. I hate this.

On a different side note, I now know how to change a flat tyre.

Double espresso shot.

2011-04-28T00:34:00.005+02:00

I found a ladybug in my hair today. Another was on my neck. A few died in my hot coffee.

I'm just glad they're ladybugs and not something slightly larger and less colorful.

Speaking of invasions, watched Battle: Los Angeles. Nothing like big explosions and cars falling on top of people to sooth one's fucked up nerves.

Once you've seen Independence Day, you've seen all alien invasion movies but I've always had a deep seated affection towards war related movies since I was 10 and dreamed of flying a fighter plane in war.

They just need to minimize the emotional shit. We're all amazed and touched when that brave reluctant yet slightly insane hero's platoon didn't give up on him but it doesn't mean staring at each other all around out in the open is a good way of channeling those gratitude. I just don't think that's practical.

There was this one guy, I want him to have my babies. I don't know his name nor do I care, I just want his genes to be in my offsprings. It's all about supplying the next generation with the best equipments as possible.

I recently realize that less people marry(or have sex) for love these days.

In case you can't already tell, exams was brutal and this is me, deflecting with violence and loveless sex talk. And insects, apparently.

You have never been in love until you've seen sunlight thrown over smashed human bones.

2011-04-10T16:07:00.005+02:00

"I miss seeing flowers in your hair."

Throw away the paper, throw away the mail,
Be bad if you want to
Be prepared to fail.

And all the expectations,

I will never meet
Take you to the point of never believing.
And you're tired of me

Still nobody knows it

Something I can't be.

My love.

But there's no one here who loves you like I do
Thank God this much is true.

ps: I'm an idiot. How can I complain about fitting in when I hate blending in. That's what I call thinking out of your ass.

I miss winter just because I miss when I knew you best.

2011-04-07T21:27:00.006+02:00

How is it after all this time I still feel like a hobo in a borrowed monkey suit drifting between dumpsters and car parks looking for that nice hygienic public transport accessible place to fit in.

Or is this concept of fitting in like one of those fairytale ending things. Right in the box labelled 'Narnia and Things Similar."

I think I'm sick of being vague and detached all the time. I used to latch on books in compensation, but I've gotten greedier now and I need something else to distract me from the fact that I'm vague and detached all the time.

Or I just need to shoot down my vague and detached self and stay on the ground for good.

CRAP NUGGETS!

I want to say something more about this gaping hole I feel, but ignored due to obligations of being a functional adult, but I'm not used to this whole emotional growth confrontation thing.

Got talked into dying my hair reddish aubergine.

I sort of don't like it.

I should stop being an easy target of manipulation.

Also, I'm going to call the baby, 'Jude'. Because I've always wanted to say 'Hey Jude!' in real life. To another person whose real/nick name is Jude.

Think of me when you're out there.

2011-03-24T18:45:00.008+02:00

What Dubai lacks in character, it compensates with bad ass modern architecture and an almost OCD level of orderliness and cleanliness. Must've seen 10 Bentleys and 20 Ferraris there too, nobody's poor in Dubai. Even the taxis are Hondas.

Had a great time and I would go back for a real holiday one day.

I'm biased, but of course Dubai ain't got nothing on Malaysia.

Oh God I miss my family.

Bunny sooooooot.

2011-03-19T14:17:00.004+02:00

If anyone ever sees a bunny hat like this, please buy it for me. I'll pay you back.

Bibbity babbity.

2011-03-13T09:02:00.006+02:00

I found 'A Million Little Pieces' in the Fiction section at The Curve's MPH. Couldn't help myself and went to the information counter and asked the guy why it's there, in the Fiction section.

Of course he just looked at me like I'm a talking teapot and said something incomprehensible.

Since some jack butt borrowed my copy and never gave it back, I bought it because I felt like reading it and it turns out it's the last copy in stock.

I asked the guy again, is it because so many people bought it or did you just didn't bother to order new ones. Again, he just looked at me.

God I wasn't being rude, I was just curious.

I also bought Toy Story 3. Watched it three times back to back because it's the most awesome movie in the world. My favorite scene was when Big Baby was sitting on the swing and staring at the full moon. God that was cool and sort of creepy.

I'm going back this Tuesday. I would mope and moan and bitch about it, but eh...

I'm watching Supernatural, acting like I've never watched it before and gasping in shock and all like I didn't know what's going to happen even though I've almost memorized all the lines.
Yeah, I like doing that. Acting like I didn't know something I already know.

Alastair still scares the shit out of me. Damn that SOB.

Shortness of breath! HAHA.

ok bai.

PQRSTU.

2011-03-07T16:00:00.007+02:00

If growing up means being quietly spiteful and angry for having your dreams taken away from you then I'm all set.

We sing to you, dark gods beneath the earth.

2011-03-01T15:42:00.010+02:00

The whole time I was in Kota Bharu, not one guy there cat whistled, made rapist face, etc. I got back to Terengganu, and this moron on a motorcycle waved at me, in such a way that John Wayne Gacy, Jr. would call his little boys.

KL guys freak me out with their excessive everything and exotic bone structures, and KT guys are just assholes but KB guys, wow. They hold doors out for you, they smile politely, and they are hot just in the right amount. Granted I was only there for 4 days and I was only in the city center but still, it's such a delight to walk alone on the street and not worry about being eyed on the wrong places.

Maybe it was me, maybe I'm not their type but to me if you have boobs and can flip your hair then you're every guys type. To ogle on the streets I mean. And I did lose 3 kg so you know I looked good.

KB is a little conservative and me with my dyed hair, maybe I was just too far gone to be bothered with and yet still, even if that is the reason it is still pretty awesome.

Also, there was this old grandma lady selling fruits on the sidewalk outside a shop. I saw her took a drag of a Marlboro Light and with a badass flick, tossed the cigarette on the street. It was even cooler when she smiled at me in this awesome way when she caught me staring at her. I bet she had 16 kids and 40 grandkids from her 4 husbands. I swear, she was really old and frail looking. Made my day, it did.

I met Prof. Dr. Jafri Malin. The half an hour spent in the same room with him could possibly be the highlight of my whole life. He was the real life example that hard work pays off in the end and now he could afford to not give a shit about anything because he was incredibly good and for that people needed him and so people give him things like money, social status, a good position in a hospital.

He was like House a bit, even with the sneakers, except his was lime green.

When he spoke to me, I mentally shit on myself. The pressure to not sound stupid was so enormous that it made me shit myself in my head.

And apparently, he has his own Wiki page.

.........Well anyway, did you hear Bieber cut off his hair and a bunch of girls dropped dead from the shock.

I would like to do these things if I may.

2011-03-01T15:22:00.003+02:00

I would like to;

1. Run as fast as I can, barefoot, in the rain.

2. Dance in a hallway of a floor of a hotel.

3. Sit on the ruins of Machu Picchu from dawn to dusk. Just sit, nothing else.

That is all thanks very much.

Messiah complex.

2011-02-14T15:50:00.004+02:00

It all makes sense now.

All this time I kept thinking, "I don't know you that well but I like you."

When what my head was really saying, "I like you because I don't know you that well."

Clarity is amazing.

Also, I've developed a newfound attraction to guys in wheelchairs. They somehow look so badass. And the physiotherapy ward is the place to go to cuci mata. Apparently all hot guys are missing from the streets because they're in there! Rehabilitating from a car accident or something. I shit you not.

It's the uniform I tell you. Sighhhh

Siberian Breaks.

2011-02-09T09:12:00.001+02:00

If you're ready to me dump me in a matter of seconds then I am too.

So you and me, we're both jerks, and since two negatives cancel each other out so we're alright.

So yeah.

See how simple things are when emotions are subtracted from the equation?

Richard Parker.

2011-02-07T08:37:00.004+02:00

I don't know what to do.

The only one thing I know for sure is things are changing for good. The situation needs me to be smart and strong, and we all know I'm neither of those things.

But when family is involved,

well I can pretend I'm those things for family.

"Nobody asked for your opinion, nobody asked you to be born."

2011-01-25T21:00:00.009+02:00

Whenever there's a holiday, I always get torn up on what to do. There's like, small separate parts of me that wants to do different things. Like a part of me wants to go back home, and another wants to stay and try and fix things with this person, and another part wants to damn it all and just wants to take a nap. So whatever I do, I'll never be content. I would always be thinking that there's something else that I could be doing, like the ungrateful parasite I am.

But for this particular holiday, there is not a single part of me that doesn't want to go on this Europe trip thing.

It's going to be as amazing as turning on the TV at 4 in the morning and finding out there's a secret Invader Zim marathon special and you just happen to have a bucket of hot wings next to you.

I'm going to really have fun. I'm not going to watch the lights on Grand Place and think about how I wish I have someone to share it with or what other horse diarrhea crap that goes on in my head whenever I experience something awesome.

I'm going to be so happy, people will be annoyed and would want to hit me. I'm going to flirt, laugh and randomly break out into robot dances in public places. I'm going to eat hopes and dreams and shit out rainbows.

I don't want to sound aspirational and shit, but I'm going to live life the way it's supposed to. You're alive now so live.

Okay let's stop before I get too excited.

Things I learned this week.

2011-01-21T22:38:00.008+02:00

1. All exercise videos should come with a warning. Like a

"WARNING: HAZARDOUS TO LAZY PEOPLE."

2. I would never have thought of anger as a choice. But someone pointed out to me that "anger has always been inside of you. That lady there that's been up on your business talking behind your back, she's not making you angry. She's just putting you in a situation that could let that anger out.

It's like making tea. You put it in a cup, and pour hot water. The tea has always been inside that pouch."

3. Without reliability there can't be love.

4. Ladakh is a place in India, at its most northern state, and it's magical. It is now in my list.

5. "Phantasm" is a word.

"We are always running for the thrill of it. Always pushing up the hill searching for the thrill of it."

What came first, the chicken or the dickheads?

2011-01-10T21:59:00.004+02:00

I'm in a lousy mood and I can tell I'm going to be in a lousy mood for the rest of the week. Not about the exams or whatever. Apparently, I've been quite oblivious to people's goddamn insanity. Some people are just trash.

Tell me, if I can afford it why the fuck should I not buy things? The hell is wrong with you people. It's not like I bought Johnny Depp's boxer in a million dollar auction to hang it in a frame and brag about it.

My parents have money. My parents don't have money. What's it to you, really.

If you want to base your perception of me according to how much money I have in my wallet or what expensive stuffs I have or shouldn't have then you're something else entirely. I'm too lazy to come up with the right word for it.

Bila nak mintak tolong belanja makan cepat pulak mofos.

Alex reads Twilight.

2011-01-07T12:36:00.007+02:00

A boy sings with an acoustic guitar and I crap my pants from excitement. Talk about irrationality.

Anyway, this is Alex. He hates Twilight. He reads Twilight and makes fun of it and puts it on YouTube. If you hate Twilight, you'll enjoy this too.

In other news, Anatomy's making me its bitch. It's all I can do but beg for mercy.

Blinded by nostalgia.

2011-01-06T21:52:00.002+02:00

Despite popular beliefs, I'm quite awesome with kids. I am filled with love, really, I'm just very stingy about it. Except when it comes to babies and small children. If cannibalism isn't gross, I'd eat them all up.

Anyway, I wrote a 'sort of' will today, listing down all of my earthly possessions and to whom I'd like to give them out to. I was surprised to find out that my first impulse was to give everything I own to orphanages and homeless people and charities instead of to the people I know and love.

It's almost like, in a way, if I can't have it then nobody can.

And why is it, whenever I'm friendly with a guy, he immediately assumes that it's because I like him? Either the guys I've been hanging around all my life are idiots or I'm doing something wrong.

_______

Yesterday I was accused of trying to "strip the sentiments off of any human relations and finally sabotaging them, thus reinstating my view of human relationships as nothing but scum." Not my words.

I think there's a name for that social complex thing.

That's totally bogus, because a) I don't have the luxury to go around sabotaging relationships because I don't have any that really matters b) I'm not that smart c) I'm too busy having exams

It's sort of flattering when someone you care about (and respect) thinks you're screwed up. He said he thinks so because I tend to overanalyze every single detail of...anything.

I told him I think about things because there's nothing else to do here. Lack of interesting conversations and ass behavior of people makes it very easy for my mind to wander.

He said he doesn't buy it.

You know that feeling when someone thinks they know you better than you do and at first you think they're wrong but after a while you start to think that maybe they do know you better than you know you. I think that's where love comes from.

why am I telling you all of this.

Now here's a random picture because there's too many words in this post.

oh no handsome stranger in the dark!

Truck, truck, truck.

2011-01-01T00:44:00.004+02:00

How Stuff Works is awesome. I type random shit in the search engine and out comes random facts about random shits!

I just spent an hour reading how toilets work. (toilets don't get enough credit for all the work they do, really)

I always get a little...disheveled when people come for a while, then they go away. You can't be important to me, come say 'Hi' and just go 'Oh yeah see you next time then'.

At least give me time to grow of bored of you. Or something.

I wish next time would come now. sigh.

You come you go.

2010-12-30T00:11:00.003+02:00

Haven't had a decent sleep since 3 days ago.

Not going to have a decent sleep now that exams are starting.

Never going to have a decent sleep ever.

I've reached that point of incredible mind fuckingly exhaustion that I just feel giddy all the time. And I just laugh. Like a douche.

Ahhh well.

EXAMS!

Honey you're the death of me.

2010-12-24T23:34:00.007+02:00

I remember this one time, back when I was in Sunway College. It was quiet work time in Biology class. I had my earphones on and for some reason I started to sing Molasses out loud. Well not really out loud, but loud enough to piss off my teacher.

And these two guys at the front, one of them said, "Hey that was pretty good."

The other said "It wasn't that good."

The first guy said "Yes it was."

That was a significant moment in my life. Purely on the basis of self satisfaction. That moment I realized I can sing in public without eliciting annoyance to the masses.

No, there's no lesson here, I'm just full of it right now. Like, hah I have a pretty good voice.

Anyway, good luck everyone.

Remember, you might not get everything right, but you'll never get everything wrong.

The world has less color without you.

2010-12-19T00:32:00.004+02:00

Oh yeeeeeah he can be the king to my kingdom anytime.

It's just a case of flash delirium.

2010-12-18T14:27:00.004+02:00

This is Lillian Gish.

Right now I think she is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

She is so beautiful, I'm excited.

My hair matches my boots.

2010-12-18T09:55:00.002+02:00

Need to clean room. It looks like a place where bad things go to die.

Someone says to you "Hey you coming or not?" You say, "No, I'm feeling a little sick." And she says "Oh yeah you do look awful!"

But you're not even that sick. Just a little nauseated.

In fact, you were lying because you just didn't want to go to class.

It's awkward, you know. And hurtful.

I blame the wind for making my hair all tornado like and disproportionate.

I've been thinking a lot about it, and I decided The Beatles' version of Baby, It's You is much better than the Carpenter's.

There, that's decided.

I hate being asthmatic. It's really sad.

I might die from it. That's sad.

Sigh. I want to go sleep now and feel all pitiful and sorry for my health and imagine being hugged by a tall fat fuzzy siberian husky that walks on two legs and smokes a cinnamon scented cigar.

Rant.

2010-12-14T22:03:00.004+02:00

"Either you wait and suffer or tell him the truth. You've got no choice."

Yeah, I seem to be running out of choices a lot now. All I get are those "do it or die" ultimatums. Sushi or chocolate cake? Medicine or financial exile?

Meh. I didn't think this is where I'd be 3 years ago.

The concept of love is perfect. But apply it to a human being and they screw it up. Screw love up for all of us. Well for me anyway.

You know that one scene in "A Whole New World" when Aladdin does that apple trick and Jasmine realized it's actually Aladdin and she had that look on her face (you know that scene don't lie), back then that was love for me.

Now though, husband and wife of almost 30 years of marriage go at each other's throat bickering and threatening divorce and not coming home for 5 years and missing birthdays and parent teacher conference. Well..that doesn't really show love to me, it just shows what the Disney movies didn't, what happens after you fall in love.

Point is, Allison Reynolds was right, when you grow up your heart really does die.

Oh look at me all cynical and shit like an old lady.

When you get older things get harder. Choices are limited. You can't climb a tree because now you know that a broken rib can pierce your lungs and you'll die from a popped lung. Consequences matter, screwing up is a possibility, responsibilities aren't a myth anymore.

That's why the little trivial things matter. I think. I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud here.

I have pharyngitis, my voice doesn't work, I have exams this Thursday and forever, they haven't confirmed my ticket flight yet and a whole bunch of shit. So yes excuse my thinking out loud.

Bambi.

2010-12-13T15:43:00.002+02:00

*does the happy caterpillar dance*

and no that's not my uterus. that's my sister's.

The Great Magical Flying Underwear.

2010-12-11T15:26:00.008+02:00

The winter wind is so bad ass. Trees are falling off and shit.

And I kid you not I saw an underwear fly pass my balcony. It's hilarious. Imagine some poor bastard somewhere looking for his underwear. Haha.

Anyway, I have a cold which is not surprising.

What's surprising is the fact that I've only been here for 2 months. Hm. It's funny, I already feel like it's time to go back to Malaysia.

Two things.

1. I'm going to be 20 next year. Well August is still far away, but the mere idea of turning 20 seems impossible, even laughable to me. I'm happily deluded, thinking I'm still 17.

2. I go into fits of uncontrollable laughter and giggity joy whenever I remember that by the time I get back to Malaysia I'm going to have a baby to squish and love and carry around. Awwwwwh.

I think I'm going to call him/her Bambi.

_______

Here's the song I was listening to while I was reading The Little Prince last night.

They don't go together but eh, it's something new to try.

This song makes me want to take off my clothes and go swimming.

Or maybe that's just because of Andrew.

And see, flash.

2010-12-08T23:24:00.012+02:00

He's so weird and he's so hot. He's so hot I'm not telling anyone who he is so I can have him all to myself.

Or you already know who he is.

In which case, whatever.

I wish I was that bottle.

We'll do it all, everything, on our own.

2010-12-04T23:11:00.006+02:00

I am naturally curious about things.

Things like why doesn't it snow over the Atlantic. Or who's Sergey Brin. Or Ellen Cleghorn. Or why do artist follow a genre of music and not just do all kinds of music instead. Or why won't the chickens sold at the pasar fly and escape. Or can zombies open doors with door knobs. Or what ethnicity is Bruno Mars. Or who makes up the New York Time's crossword puzzle.

Useless things, yes.

But hey useful things are always useful but you never know when something useless would become useful.

Some take my questions as me simply being funny or moronic when in fact I'm very serious about it. Figures the time I'm serious people think I'm an idiot.

But a few of you guys are awesome enough to bear with me and give me answers. So the cool people are still around then.

That's it. I don't know why I wrote this.

I think I'm just very happy the water's back in our house.

This picture makes me laugh EVERYTIME. ah, good times.

You and me babe, how about it?

2010-12-03T02:17:00.001+02:00

I am appalled at how fat I was. It's incredible people didn't make fun of me more.

When I talk to people about Romeo and Juliet, everyone seem to forget that both of them died because of love. For love, because of love, in love whatever.

Point is they died.

People focus on the love rather than the death.

The way I see it, death is more awesome than love. They were in love, madly and impossibly, and yet in the end death whooped their asses.

And you know, I prefer tragic love than true love. Happily ever after in a castle is lame. Poison and knife stabbing is fun.

But in a way, in death their love was far more greater than it could ever be if they've lived for a thousand years.

People back then are way cooler than people now, I swear. sigh.

And hey I'm going to be an Aunt.

And I tell you, I've never been this happy and I've never loved anyone this much. My anak sedara.

I can't do everything, but I'd do anything for you.

2010-12-02T03:22:00.004+02:00

Well you can fall for chains of silverYou can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everythingYou promised me thick and thin.

Now you just say "Oh Romeo yeah you know I used to have a scene with him."

Keep on running.

2010-11-29T00:12:00.008+02:00

I've come up with a poem.

Water, oh water,

Please come back.

I hate this place,

very much.

Why oh why,

WHY WHY FUCK WHY?!

I hate this place.

Die die die.

Okay, that's it.

I feel like a cave man except that I have a laptop and an iPod.

Now must make fire.

Hmm.

2010-11-23T04:38:00.003+02:00

I've been waking up at 3/4am in the morning lately. Like randomly. It's 10 am in Malaysia and if this is jet lag, then it's really mean and stupid.

I'd try and go back to sleep but things sound so freaky and weird outside like ambulances, the wind, some dog howling in packs and other weird shit that I'd just lie on my bed wondering what would be the best choice should there be a zombie attack; stay indoors and build a fort or keep moving until you meet other survivors? After that I would just be too scared to sleep.

Not to mention the fact that I'd always be so damn hungry.

Got a look at the whole semester jadual last night and it's suspiciously freaky how the semester is almost over. Not necessarily bad, just suspicious. One minute it's too slow, then come another minute it's too fast.

And I really need to know the exact confirmed dates of the winter holiday because I need to book my ticket. I don't care if I have to go alone, I will go to Salzburg. The 10 year old me insists.

I have a presentation today. I'm screwed.

Aren't you glad the universe pretends?

2010-11-21T09:30:00.003+02:00

I AM SO LAZZZZZZZZZY.

I miss those good ol days of skipping classes and practicals and not giving any damn about it.

Why am I so rajin nowadays? Whyy whyy whyyy.

Oh right because I almost failed a subject.

I'm like a snail, one poke and I don't want to come out ever again. I'm so lame.

Bah.

But it's always with trust that the poison is fed with a spoon.

2010-11-19T02:09:00.004+02:00

Apparently, The Beatles is now on iTunes.

Which makes me wonder why they weren't there before. Weird.

Anyway, we had a day trip to Matrouh and it was awesome!

The sea looked like it came right out of a goddamn screensaver. I've had my fair share of seas but this one was incredible. From the sky to the sea, it's every shade of blue imaginable. Not to mention the fact that it's amazingly clear. As they say,"So clear you can't go topless."

But no go on the 7 colors thing. It only happens on sunrise/sunset or something.

Then we went to Cleopatra's Toilet. (haha) Her toilet was this huge rock at the edge of the sea with an opening in between. She's so damn majestic, the sea bathes her. It makes you hate your toilet.

All in all, it was great to get away with good food and good friends. Really, what else would you need. :)

I'm not usually this chirpy and happy, but it was that good. Sometimes it's just nice to be normal and have a good time without any internal mental conflict of shitty things.

_________

I'm not the most modest person in the world, so don't believe me when I say I don't like showing people my nice expensive things. I don't parade it around, but I don't keep it a secret either if I can help it. That's how things work with me in my bubble of environment in here.

I don't need to fit in with whatever or whoever to get whoever or whatever I want.

I don't need to be a British to marry one. So screw things and people right where they are. I'll just do my thing.

It was good while it lasted.

2010-11-13T02:44:00.002+02:00

Well yes, what the hell was I thinking.

Of course something has to end for something else to start.

sigh.

Happy holidays everyone.

Why must we all make sense of what just won't make sense?

2010-11-10T00:32:00.003+02:00

If I had a voice like Seth MacFarlane I'd talk all the goddamn time. Goddamn that voice, when he sings, is just....orgasmic. Wow. Reminds me of a simpler black and white times when Frank Sinatra is the big kahuna boss and yeah, no idea what I'm talking about but honestly, in all seriousness, his voice, wow, I just melt.

I know I prayed for winter but it slipped my mind how on winters I get colds as easily as Barney Stinson gets laid. Half of the time I can't feel my nose anymore.

I've decided, I don't like money anymore. I liked money, a lot. I know how it changes people, how it's not important, the whole debate whether money brings happiness or not and the morals of money, all that crap, and I still liked it. It used to matter. But now, not so much.

Now it's just annoying.

One thing hasn't changed though, money is still the stupidest thing to fight about.

I'm rambling, a sure sign that I need to go to bed now, because it has been a very long day.

Just say yes.

2010-11-08T04:11:00.002+02:00

I woke up at 4 am craving for this song for some reason. Hm.

It's an ultrasound of my uterus!

2010-11-02T18:53:00.003+02:00

Okay this is absolutely useless and random and probably inappropriate but whatever.

I was looking through my pictures and I found this.

It's an ultrasound of my uterus!

How weird is that?? HAHA. Can't believe I have this picture.

Okay that's it.

I told you it's a useless post.

God only knows what I'd be without you.

2010-10-30T01:17:00.006+02:00

I lied. I watched more Gossip Girl and that Eva lady didn't last long, so great!

Also, 5 episodes into the new season and the ever famous theory of 'too much of a good thing is a bad thing' proved to be right. Plus I'm too old to believe that there's a place where everyone have sex with everyone while being cyber stalked and everyone is okay with it even the parents who by the way looks way too young to have had 2 adolescent kids.

Yeah, I'm way too old for that.

And it pisses me off how they seem to not pay attention to the details. For instance, how is that new blond lady's brother who's in prison texting her? I mean, he calls her using the pay phone, a collect call may I add, but somehow amazingly he can text her.

With a magical prison Blackberry he pulled out of his ass I'm sure.

Well anyway the only reason why I watched it was because I ran out of House.

As usual, on the eve of any exam I go on a movie binge until 3 am to numb myself dry and stop myself from freaking out. It's not healthy but nothing fun is.

I just finished Leap Year. I like Amy Adams, she's like a puppy I would not mind having to clean after. What got to me is the fact that they managed to make Ireland very romantic and very cool, rather than the usual romantic comedies set like Paris or New York.

But I've been to Ireland, and no they don't make them as good looking as Declan. Yes, he was pretty hot.

Oh and I'm reading Jack London's short stories. I had no idea who he was until a friend mentioned it to me. He had no idea who Jack London was either I think but yeah. I've only done one page because I kept rereading Les Miserables for some reason.

Anyway, I'm off to watch Lucky Number Slevin. Which is a clever, clever, very provoking movie. Watch it if you haven't.

I am secretly freaking out over Para.

What the hell is this?!

2010-10-29T20:36:00.003+02:00

I don't approve of this. I really don't.

She's not hot enough for Chuck freakin Bass.

I can't watch Gossip Girl anymore, it's making me sad and less intelligent.

Opp, entrance denied. Good bye.

2010-10-22T21:40:00.000+02:00

I don't know for who I'm being reasonable to.

I mean, when I'm reasonable I don't know who it's for.

Is that sentence right? wait don't tell me I don't want to know.

I'm just saying, I hate being reasonable. I should be the right amount of unreasonable and no amount of reasonable at all.

You know what else, I hate couples on facebook who rapes your newsfeed with love messages and pages long one line dumb ass conversations on each other walls like 'hey babe :) XD :)) 8) ;p ;) ;D' which is just basically a word followed by a million variations of smileys smiling and sticking out their tongues and God knows what else. INBOX LA STUPID. STUPID.

Also, I noticed I have this knack of seriously drifting off whenever I'm talking to someone online. I'll just say whatever and not even realize it. HAHA

This weird almost drunk like stupor I'm currently in is probably because I have Anatomy's bitchy ass to deal with tomorrow and her ass is the worst there is.

I don't know why I want to apologize for writing 'bitchy'.

Twice.

But I won't. Cause I'm bad ass like that. Yeah.

OH MY GOD I SHOULD START PLANNING MY WINTER VACATION!

Don't ever look back.

2010-10-19T01:30:00.005+02:00

Being a 3rd year student stinks for many reasons. But the one reason that really gets to me is the fact that people now have a good reason to call me 'Akak'. It's not cool at all.

I miss my family very much and it's the hardest at night when I go to bed knowing I won't see them again for another year.

Also, when I'm lying on my bed at night I'm always afraid that the floor in my room would collapse under me and I would die from the fall because the floor is made of wood and wood rots with termites and this is an old rotten building and shit do happen.

It occurred to me that I haven't ponteng any lectures except the ones before I got back.

Someone should give me a freakin' award.

Peanut butter jelly time! With Brian Griffin.

2010-10-16T02:01:00.003+02:00

More funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Really, I'm just laughing too hard right now I don't even know what to say.

Don't ask me where I'll go because frankly I don't know and I don't give a shit.

2010-10-13T07:19:00.003+02:00

Well, the only thing that's been keeping me sane for the past *checks calendar* WEEK?!

Wait I've only been here for ONE WEEK?!!

that's it. merajuk.

People do creepy stuff when they're asleep.

2010-10-01T20:32:00.004+02:00

It's 2.38 am and as of 10 minutes ago, I woke up cursing the good world when privacy was breached and I felt a pair of arms and legs (not hantu) suddenly throw themselves on me like anak gajah and basically crushing me in a full body bind hug.

Lepas tu tanak bangun bila saya kejut. Mak aiiiii.

Some people should never share beds with another human being. I thought sleep talking is bad enough but sleep hugging is just another level of messed up.

_______

If I got a glitter every time I thought/heard/said 'I dont want to go back to egypt', I would be Ke$ha and puking them out with vodka.

This year could easily be a bad year but I will try my best to not let it get to me that much if it happens. I want to keep my nose down and read things at the library and eat at that chinese restaurant in downtown and just be normal because enough bad things things have happened so far and if any more comes my way I would just simply give up.

Broken down would be best to describe how I'm feeling right now. But ehh, life goes on.

So should you.

Like a riot, like a riot oh!

2010-09-25T18:59:00.003+03:00

My mom's all,

"You don't know what's real going on out there in the world. Because you have 3 sisters and a father and a mother protecting you all the time. You're still young."

I'm still too young to go clubbing.

I'm still too young to drive.

I'm still too young to go out with a guy by myself.

I'm still too young for the world.

I'm never going to be old enough for her am I?

This love is for the gentlemen only, wealthiest gentlemen only.

2010-09-24T21:08:00.016+03:00

Helping out in wedding plans is an effort I would never want to do again in my life.

For some unknown reason I look like a Chinese person.

I changed my ticket to 5th October voluntarily, undoubtedly already regretting it.

But I do miss my little corner spot at the library. And sad to say, I miss wearing winter coats more than I miss my Alex friends. If I said I miss you, well I lied. Sorry, I guess.

I think being 19 is terrible.

I met a lot of awesome new people this holiday and I'm real glad for that. Like this one guy, he's a penjual sayur by day and a traditional Indian dancer by night. OH and this wonderfully weird Pakistani guy. He was pretty hot too.

I've been watching a lot of Sesame Street videos on YouTube and old movies on Cinemax. I've watched Logan's Run twice for the past week.

I wake up at 7 am daily now. How awesome am I.

I have a new laptop!

This is my favorite picture from this holiday.

I don't know how to end this post.

It's been 7 hours and I miss you.

2010-09-12T17:09:00.003+03:00

I only get to see you once every year for 6 years. And I screwed it up.

This is by far, the saddest day of my life.

I'm alone on a bicycle for two.

2010-09-08T06:42:00.000+02:00

I'll miss you. For some reason.

I mean other than the obvious ones. Like you're awesome and sweet and funny and makes me happy.

I'll see you when I see you then. which will be next year.

aaaa lama gilaaa.

I'm all sad now.

___________

Me: Takpa, masa puasa syaitan kena ikat.

6 year old boy: Ooooh. so malam ni dia tak datang la?

Me: ...........

Oh well, I tried.

Birds of a feather, dies together.

2010-09-04T10:17:00.003+02:00

What I love about Raya:

1. My dad's mee kari.

2. New clothes.

3. My family at home doing things together like sembahyang Raya, kelam-kabut open house etc.

What I hate about Raya:

Everything else.

I appreciate the fact that Syawal is His gift for us after one whole month of fasting and I am grateful for that, I am.

But generations of humanity have perverted its meaning with over the top exaggerations and false pretenses that it's just beyond my ability to accept it. And to make things worst, somewhere along the way of growing up, the magic of Raya went missing.

Yeah aren't I a ray of sunshine eh?

Anyway, I watched 'Into The Wild' a few days ago (hence my Eddie Vedder obsession) and it has intensified my irritation over the fact that I'm a girl and the disability to do the things that I want to do.

Then it hit me that I'm such a filthy hypocrite and if I really wanted to run off and live in Alaska, a microscopic detail like being a girl shouldn't stop me.

I then sadly admitted to myself that it's in fact, the security and pleasures of life that's stopping me. I really wish I had his courage. To damn everything and go live life out, in what I believe, the most simplest and pure and blameless way ever.

"Gonna rise up

Burning back holes in dark memories

Gonna rise up

Turning mistakes into gold.

Gonna rise up

Find my direction magnetically

Gonna rise up

Throw down my ace in the hole."

-Rise, Eddie Vedder.

Oh the irony.

2010-08-29T23:48:00.004+02:00

"If you can't sleep, I'll be there in your dreams
I'll be there in your dreams If you can't sleep at all.

And in your dreams, I'll touch your cheek
And lay my head on your shoulder.

Goodbye shadows.
Goodbye shadows.

If you're far away, if you can't see my face
If the world is cold, but the sun shines the same.

Shut your eyes, there are bluer skies
For you're embraced in my heart.

Goodbye shadows.
Goodbye shadows.

If you can't sleep, I'll be there in your dreams
I'll be there in your dreams If you can't sleep at all.

And in your dreams, I'll touch your cheek
And lay my head on your shoulder."

Some of you would find this song annoying and remarkably gooey but oh oh oh see if I care. I'm annoying and remarkably gooey so, hah.

It's retarded really. Twice I have to be the one to make the first move. What, guys have stopped growing balls since Adam Lambert or what?
God.
Lepas tu cakap perempuan tak senonoh menggatal nak tackle laki. Poodah.

Everyone knows what someone's talking about but nobody would openly acknowledge it even though, well everyone knows it but they just never talk about it.

Yeah, what's that called? Mass denial?

The person you're trying to reach is not available.

2010-08-27T21:24:00.008+02:00

You see, there are 3 major things I can't handle very well.

1st is guilt.

2nd is when someone starts shouting/panicking in the car while I'm driving. I would blank out and forget which one is the brake and which one is the accelerator.

And lastly, ~~good~~ ~~sweet~~ ~~quiet~~ good boys.

I absolutely am a failure when it comes to good boys.

To me, good boys are like this scottish fold brat cat Maru. He's deceivingly cute, sure jumping into boxes with his white socks, being overweight and shit but all I can think in my head is; MUST PIJAK.

I don't hate him. I don't think he's disgusting. I like cats, and as far as cats go he's mighty adorable.

I just want to put my foot on his stomach and wiggle it around. I would play with him, absolutely. Then 2 days would pass and all I would want to do is drop him off the 10th floor.

That's how I 'handle' good boys. When they get too close.

And of course, they don't deserve it.

Which brings me to guilt (see above). And once you get me guilty enough, you can make me do basically anything. Things I would never normally do like apologize, swoon, admit defeat etc. People look at me and say 'aww she's in love isn't that adorable!'

Well no idiots, I'm not. I am just very guilty.

sigh.

but hey WHERE'S MY THE CATCHER IN THE RYE?????

"And when I awoke, I was alone
This bird has flown.
So I lit a fire
Isn't it good

Norwegian wood? "

- The Beatles.

This is bad.

2010-08-27T11:27:00.003+02:00

I stumbled across this picture just now and I realized, my Catcher in the Rye is not on my shelf where it's supposed to be.

Where's my Catcher in the Rye?

holy fuck WHERE'S MY CATCHER IN THE RYE?! *freaks out*

WHERE IS ITTTT?!!!!?!?!?!??!?!!??!